Welcome to Subterranean Cinema , The perfect place to watch classic movies.

I'm Kris Hensler, director of programming here at PBS Fort Wayne.

And I'm Mark Ryan, the creative services guy here.

Part of my job is building and maintaining our website, creating artwork for items like T-shirts and hats.

And you can see both by going to the Subterranean Cinema page on our website, PBSFortWayne.org.

Check out our Sub Cinema swag and see what movies are coming up, too.

So, Kris, why are we down here in the basement?

Well, you know, there's a pretty good reason for that.

We tend to keep a lot of old stuff down here, and we thought it would be fun to dust off some of these old movies and share them with our viewers.

So every week we'll show a different classic film twice on Saturday nights, first at 8 p.m. on 39.4, and then at midnight on Channel 39.1.

Then on Sunday afternoon at 2 p.m., also on 39.1.

Now we've got all kinds of different titles and genres spanning from the thirties to the seventies.

There are comedies, war films, westerns, film noir and mysteries.

We've also got some horror movies for October and some holiday films for December.

Now, these films will also be available to watch on demand as we roll them out each week through the PBS App.

Through the app, you can watch these movies on your Smart TV through Roku, Apple TV and Amazon Fire, even on your phone.

Now we're going to have different PBS staff members sit in with Kris during these intros each week to introduce you to people like me that work here at PBS Fort Wayne.

Now, Kris and I have been with the station longer than anyone else at this point.

For instance, I've been here 425 years.

But actually, just a little over 26 years now.

Chris, how long have you been here?

Well, somehow almost 25 years.

And in all that time, we've never had a classic movie show until now.

And it seems a little hard to believe, you know.

So today, our classic film is At War with the Army , starring the biggest comedy duo of that era.

Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.

This film also features the introduction of Polly Bergen in the role of Helen Palmer, who would later go on to star opposite Gregory Peck.

In 1962s Cape Fear .

as you might have guessed, At War with the Army , features Dean and Jerry navigating life in the military.

Jerry plays Alvin Korwin, the lowest man on the totem pole who steps into one mishap after another.

And as usual, Dean plays the suave singer who always gets the girl.

This time around, Dean's character is First Sergeant Victor Puccinelli, who's looking for a transfer overseas.

Although Dean and Jerry were signed to Paramount at the time, this film was made under their own company banner, York Productions.

With this film, Dean and Jerry both took a small paycheck in exchange for 90% of the film's profits.

But most importantly, Dean and Jerry are here to deliver all the laughs, just as you would expect from that era's biggest comedy duo.

And you know what we all know here that you're a huge Jerry Lewis fan.

You even have a Jerry Lewis movie poster in your office.

So who get to pick the movies for this series?

Well, first of all, I pick the movies, and I should clarify that I don't have one Jerry Lewis movie poster in my office.

I have four.

There you have it, folks.

Perks of the job.

So get out the popcorn, pour some drinks and settle in for Kris, his favorite actor in At War with the Army.

You're watching Subterranean Cinema only on PBS.

Fort Wayne.

(gentle music) (film reel whirring) (flourishing orchestral music) >> Narrator: War, total war.

A struggle for survival.

In this era of force and destruction, historians will argue what was the most influential factor.

What was the most deadly instrument?

The most deadly weapon?

Was it the overwhelming manpower?

Was it the blistering fire of the burning rockets?

(rockets exploding) Was it the thundering mail from heaven, the bombs, the blockbusters?

(dramatic music) Was it the lightening-like descension of the silent parachute?

Was it the withering stutter of the light machine gun?

Or the staccato of the Guran fighter?

(gunshots popping) Was it the brutal juggernaut, the Patton tank?

Was it the flame-thrower?

Or was it the screaming anger of the faster than sound, quicker than death, V2 rocket?

No.

It was none of these things.

The most effective, the most deadly, the most terrifying weapon of all time was... (Sergeant whistling) Yes, you're right.

The sergeant's whistle.

>> All right you guys, now I'm gonna tell you something.

Now, the Colonel's coming, see?

And as usual the Colonel ain't very happy.

And I ain't very happy either.

Look at this joint.

It looks like Coney Island on a Monday morning.

Hi Sarge, what's the action?

>> Did you seen Korwin?

>> Yeah, I seen him, but I couldn't take it, so I sent him over to the mess hall.

He's on KP.

>> Okay, take them away.

>> Right, Sarge.

All right my friends.

I want you to fall out, spread out, and pick up everything what ain't growing or nailed down.

(Sergeant whistling) (flourishing orchestral music) (silverware tapping) >> Soldier: All right, let's go.

>> Soldier: Let's have some food.

>> Soldier: Come on, come on.

>> Soldier: Well, let's have it.

>> What are they griping about?

>> Well, they've got to eat 'em.

Well, I gotta cook 'em.

♪ In the Navy they get steak, caviar and whipped cream cake ♪ ♪ Have fancy cooks who know what cooking means ♪ ♪ In the Army we get mess, and it really is a mess ♪ ♪ Oh, the Navy gets the gravy, but the Army gets the beans ♪ ♪ Beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans ♪ ♪ Send a salami, to your boy in the Army ♪ ♪ Yes, the Navy gets the gravy, but the Army gets the beans ♪ ♪ Beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans beans ♪ ♪ Beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans ♪ ♪ Nothing but beans ♪ Navy service is ideal ♪ Printed menus every meal ♪ And they decorate your plate with parsley greens ♪ ♪ In the Army we get chow that you wouldn't feed a chow ♪ ♪ Oh, the Navy gets the gravy, but the Army gets the ♪ ♪ Beans, beans, beans ♪ Beautiful beans, gorgeous beans, succulent beans ♪ ♪ Send a baloney 'cause I'm skinny and boney ♪ ♪ Yes, the Navy gets the gravy, but the Army gets the ♪ ♪ Beans, beans, beans, beans, beans ♪ ♪ Beans, beans, beans, beans ♪ Nothing but beans ♪ Loving those beans, hugging those beans ♪ ♪ Know what it means, mammy I love you ♪ ♪ Nothing but beans ♪ Beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans ♪ ♪ Oh, I was born at the age of three ♪ ♪ As smart as I could be ♪ Sure it takes a great mentality to dish out all the ♪ ♪ Beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans ♪ ♪ Oh, it seems bell bottomed pants are conducive to romance ♪ ♪ They are wined and dined and loved by movie queens ♪ ♪ But you wear a khaki frame and you get a wacky dame ♪ ♪ Oh, the Navy gets the ♪ The Army gets the ♪ Beans, beans, beans, beans ♪ Beans, beans, beans ♪ I hit the jackpot, but it's always a crackpot ♪ ♪ Yes, the Navy gets the gravy, but the Army gets the beans ♪ ♪ Beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans ♪ ♪ Did you know that the Navy gets all of the gravy ♪ ♪ Did you know that the Army ♪ Gets all of the beans ♪ Oh, a soldier's a coward ♪ If he doesn't lick the platter clean ♪ ♪ Oh, a soldier's a coward if he leaves a solitary bean ♪ ♪ Oh, it isn't the fighting ♪ That will make a soldier cross and mean ♪ ♪ It is only the beans ♪ You can grab a Marine and you show him a bean ♪ ♪ He says what does it mean, that I never have seen ♪ ♪ So you grab a civilian, and one in a million ♪ ♪ So I say to you why do we got to have beans ♪ ♪ Beans ♪ Multiple beans ♪ (indistinct) beans, succulent beans ♪ ♪ Nothing but beans ♪ It's mean ♪ Nothing but beans >> Let's get outta here.

It's the Sarge.

♪ Beans, beans, beans, beans ♪ Beans, beans, beans, beans ♪ Beans, beans, beans, beans, beans ♪ >> What do you think you're cooking around here?

>> Beans.

>> Oh shut up!

You been getting away with murder, and it's gotta stop.

You understand?

Shut up!

Just because we were friends before and used to work together, I've been covering up for you.

That's gotta stop too.

You understand?

Shut up!

Now get your pack and everything that goes with it.

And, I wanna see you down front in exactly five minutes.

Understand?

Shut up!

You're gonna go on a long, long journey and you may not be back this way.

You understand?

Shut up!

>> Get your pack and everything that goes with it.

Be down there in five minutes.

Understand?

Shut up!

Going on a long, long trip, you gotta be there soon.

Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!

>> He's liable under AR 605-300.

What's more the CO can get him on the 104th and 107th articles of war.

Now the record goes on WDAGO form 20 and 24.

He could be eligible for a 615-360.

Section seven, paragraph 49.

>> Oh sure, I get it.

>> Captain: He acted in CTB X one and two and last summer he was a 293.

>> Shaughnessy: Do you think it's covered in 615-360?

>> Sure an MR1-92.

His profile is 24.4.4D.

>> Oh brother, I ain't in the Army, I'm back in the numbers racket.

>> Here's your mail, Corporal.

>> Well, guess I they'll take another crack at that bandit.

Do you think it will work?

>> It should, there was a guy in here a little while ago and fixed it.

>> 'Bout time.

(bells ringing) (machine clanging) (hand pounding) How do you like that?

Now you don't even get the nickel back.

>> This creepy Army.

I asked for a transfer again, they throw me right out of Battalion headquarters.

Shaughnessy, how many times do I have to tell you this ain't a day room.

>> All right, sir.

>> Got a cigarette?

>> Shaughnessy: Yeah, here.

>> Tell Sergeant McVey I wanna see him right away.

>> Right.

>> Vic: Is Miller in?

>> Yeah.

(loud pounding) >> Vic: Hey Miller, what do you think we got here, midgets?

>> Captain, what about this training film tomorrow morning?

>> Oh yes, that begins at seven o'clock.

Now, the theater's two blocks away so I think we'd better fall out at 6:35.

>> They'll want us in front of Battalion headquarters not later than 6:25.

>> In that case, Davenport, have the men lined up and ready to go at 6:15.

>> Roger, I'll take care of that sir, right away.

>> Oh, Lieutenant, one more thing.

Make sure... >> Look what they gave Miller to issue to every man in the company, bulletproof underwear.

You know that that means, don't you?

>> Sure, South Pacific.

>> Sergeant Puccinelli, as you were.

Sergeant we have a special movie tomorrow morning and I want the men to be in uniform and ready to fall out at 10 minutes past six.

>> Yes, sir.

>> Oh, just one more thing, Sergeant, just to make sure.

You better have the men fall out at five minutes past six.

>> Vic: Yes, sir.

>> Hey Sarge, that Korwin's lost again.

>> Vic: Well, you better find him.

>> Right, Sarge.

Hey, you see them lights?

You see that sign?

Well let's be turning them off.

>> Sergeant McVey, we've got to see to work, don't we?

>> Yeah well, what if Colonel Davis comes?

He don't like lights on in the daytime.

>> Another thing McVey, the company has an early formation tomorrow and you better have those men fall out at five minutes before six.

>> Five minutes before six, huh?

>> Vic: Yeah.

>> Oh I tell you, I've got some names here that are cockamamies.

Wolodowsky, Schmelowitz, Kaseliasmiac.

Let me fall 'em out early, say about 5:45, huh?

>> Vic: Okay.

>> Right, Sarge.

(Sergeant whistling) >> Some day this guy is going to blow his brains out.

>> If you ask me, he's already done it.

(comical music) (typewriter clacking) (phone ringing) >> Yes, sir?

Yes, Captain.

Yes, sir.

(comical music continues) >> Captain: See the First Sergeant in the other room.

Go around the outside.

Through that door.

That door.

I said that door.

>> Vic: Got a cigarette?

>> No, I quit.

Can't afford it.

>> There you are.

Where you been?

Fine looking specimen you are.

Get over here.

Look at this.

Look at this.

Fix the helmet.

Now get out on the parade grounds.

10 times around, double time.

You understand?

Then come back here.

I got plans for you.

Go on, get the lead out of your bucket.

Wait a minute.

Come here.

Got a cigarette?

(Korwin coughing) I've been arguing with the Adjutant again.

>> Yeah?

>> I don't dig this Army at all.

I want overseas, I stay here.

The guys that wanna stay here, get overseas.

>> You forget, there's a war on.

>> Yeah, but what do we get to do about it?

When I was a civilian, we had something doing every minute.

Singing, dancing, working in nightclubs.

I join the Army, I sit on my hands.

Nah, I'm hungry.

Think I'll inspect the mess hall.

>> Hi ya, Sarge.

Been waiting up for me?

>> How come you're late, Edwards?

>> I was drunk.

>> I don't blame you.

With a kisser like that, I'd be loaded all the time.

>> Why, thank you.

>> You're welcome, now go to the barracks, Edwards, get into your fatigues and report back here.

And if you have any social engagements, call your secretary and have her cancel them.

>> Sergeant's real brave today.

I get any mail?

>> Sure took you a long time to sober up.

>> Took me a long time to get drunk.

My new girl had a date with another Joe last night.

>> What's the matter, losing your appeal?

(typewriter clacking) >> Hello.

>> Hello.

>> Is Sergeant Puccinelli in?

>> No, he's out.

What did you wanna see him about?

It's of a rather personal nature.

>> Oh, would you like to leave a message?

>> Yes, just tell him Millie was here.

I'll be back in 10 minutes.

On second thought, do you mind if I sit here and wait for a while?

>> No, no, go right ahead.

>> Thanks.

(typewriter clacking) >> Clark, do you have that field manual?

(typewriter clacking) I want four copies of this, Clark.

It's to go to the Adjutant.

>> But sir, I did this yesterday.

>> Captain: Oh you did?

>> Clark: Yes, sir.

>> So you did.

Well, I want one more copy.

>> Yes, sir.

>> You know, it takes a fantastic amount of paperwork to administer even a little tank company, such as we have here.

>> Are you ready, Ernie?

>> Not yet, dear.

I'll be right with you.

I've decided we can do without another copy of this.

>> That's our commanding officer.

>> Which one?

>> Who in the company is that girl married to?

>> I don't know, dear.

Shall we call Louella Parsons?

>> Now darling, don't get testy.

I just happen to know that she's the Titusville girl.

She works on the post.

She has calcium deficiency, and she's expecting.

>> Expecting?

>> Yes, and don't ask me what she's expecting.

>> Where in the world did you uncover all this, Mrs. Sherlock Holmes?

>> At the clinic yesterday.

I was there for my cold shot and one of the nurses told me about her.

>> Say, I just remembered, there's been a mix up in the OD roster.

>> I know.

>> I may get it.

>> No you won't.

Lt. Terray is stuck with officer of the day.

>> Are you sure?

>> Yes.

Sally Pearson told me that the Adjutant's wife told her, that the Adjutant said so at noon.

>> Oh well, if Sally said so, that settles it.

>> How are you getting along with Colonel Davis?

>> Well, that depends.

How are you getting along with Mrs. Davis?

>> That woman.

She's so rank-conscience.

How soon will you be ready to leave?

>> Why don't you go to the club and wait?

I have a lot of papers to sign.

>> Can't somebody else sign those?

>> I'm the only one.

The United States Army has a high regard for my signature.

>> I wish The First National Bank did.

>> Where'd you get these clothes, Sergeant?

>> Quartermaster, sir.

>> Then why didn't you get a shipping ticket when you got the clothes?

>> I don't know, sir.

Maybe they weren't paying attention when I drew the issue?

>> Then this is stolen goods.

>> (gasps) No, sir.

>> I think I'll have to have a look at Army regulations.

>> But Lt. Davenport, don't you trust me?

>> This is no way to run a business.

Carry on.

>> He's gonna tell me how to run a business.

He used to be a soda jerk.

He just ran out of soda.

>> I gotta see the First Sergeant.

>> Hi ya kid.

I see you're still wearing your old head.

>> You leave me alone.

I got troubles.

>> In the Army, you got troubles?

>> Yeah, and I gotta see the First Sergeant right away.

It's important.

>> Take it easy.

>> Don't tell me how to take it.

I got to get a three-day pass.

>> The last guy in the U.S. Army that got a three-day pass was Sergeant York.

>> Yeah, well I don't care.

I gotta see my wife.

It's an emergency.

>> I've had emergencies, but could I get a pass?

>> Bet you were never having a baby.

>> Kid, I never even had my appendix out.

>> Corporal: Korwin!

>> Yes, sir.

>> Did you do those penalty tours?

>> Yes, Corporal.

>> Did you report to the drill Sergeant?

>> Yes, Corporal.

>> Did you report to the mess Sergeant?

>> Yes, Corporal.

>> Okay.

>> Boy, if I ever get overseas, the first thing I'm gonna do is surrender.

Concentration camp's gotta be better than this.

>> What crumby coffee.

Why, I wouldn't wash my... Hey, it's here, the shipping order.

>> Corporal: Came while you were out.

>> Now watch me get out of this hole.

>> Hey Sarge, I wanna- >> What do you want?

>> Nothing.

>> Get out of my way.

Can't you see I'm busy?

Captain Caldwell, I've just seen the shipping orders and I have just the man for you, sir.

>> Captain: Good.

Who is he?

>> Me, First Sergeant Victor Puccinelli.

>> Captain: Don't be foolish, Sergeant.

This call is only for Privates and PFCs.

You'd better make up your mind, you're staying here.

>> I've seen Army- >> I won't argue that point.

Now, about this shipment.

We can't be expected to cripple ourselves, so, don't send anyone who's useful.

How about that kid who never doesn't anything right?

>> You mean Korwin?

>> Captain: That's the one.

>> Well, he's right out here now, sir.

>> Maybe Eisenhower can do something with him.

>> Yes, sir.

Korwin.

>> Huh?

>> I wanna see you.

>> I've been wanting to see you too, Vic.

I wanted to know if- >> Get you hands off my desk and call me Sergeant.

Can't you stand up?

>> Yes, Sergeant.

I just wanna know if I could get a three-day pass.

>> What'd you say?

>> I wanna know if I can get a three-day pass.

>> Did you get permission from your platoon sergeant to come in here?

>> No, Sergeant, but I- >> How many times must I tell you that in the Army you gotta go through channels?

>> I know but this is an emergency and if I go through the section leader and the platoon sergeant and you and the CO and everybody else in channels, my kid'll be old enough to be drafted hisself.

>> Very funny.

I can't be giving you a three-day pass every week.

You just came off one.

>> That's not true.

I haven't been on one in a long time.

And if my wife forgets what I look like, you'll be responsible.

>> You should get that lucky.

We'll see about it when the time comes.

You heard me.

>> Yes, Sergeant.

Aren't we gonna rehearse our act for the show?

>> Oh get going.

Wait a minute.

Come here.

How come you didn't shave today?

>> No one said I was supposed to.

I didn't shave yesterday and nobody said nothing.

>> Get outta here.

>> You always didn't used to treat me like this.

>> Oh stop mumbling.

>> You always didn't used to treat me like this, that's what I said, so there too.

>> Vic: You gonna start that again?

>> Yes, I am.

You're supposed to be my friend.

We lived on the same block, in the same city.

And you know what you promised my mother.

>> Stop hitting my desk.

And what did I promise your mother?

>> That no one would harm a hair on my head.

>> You mean both heads.

>> Ho, ho, that's rich.

>> Oh quiet pea-head.

Just because we were friends before- >> Friends before is right.

>> Anything to do with now.

I have a responsibility and you're part of it.

>> Well, I'm warning you, you're driving me crazy.

>> That's no drive, that's a short putt.

Ah what do you want, special privileges?

>> No, I just want you should remember you was the best man at my wedding.

>> You're not kidding.

>> And, we was buddies, and we wrote songs, and we sang and we danced together.

And you still owe me $8.75 from before the war.

And we was friends and family.

We were just like brother and sister.

And what happens?

Along comes a crumby little war and clip-clap, you turn into a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Clyde.

What is it with you anyhow?

>> All right, all right.

>> All right, all right.

Big man.

Couple of stinking stripes.

Big deal.

>> Go home and wash your face.

>> Go home and wash your face.

Big deal.

Look at him, General Delivery.

>> Vic: Get outta here.

>> What's the matter with Einstein?

>> He thinks I bombed Pearl Harbor.

When Edwards comes back, tell him he's being shipped out.

>> Say, there was a Millie here looking for you.

>> Millie?

Wonder what she wants?

Oh, I know.

What's the date?

>> 29th.

>> That's it.

Tomorrow's the anniversary of our first alert.

>> Alert?

This office has never been alerted.

>> I know it.

I just used it as a gag.

You know the first time I saw Millie, she looked real good to me.

But all I got was ice cubes.

>> So?

>> So I told her we were being alerted.

>> So?

>> So she let me kiss her.

>> So?

>> So, I took her out a few more times.

>> So?

>> So, she let me kiss her a few more times.

>> Well, what's wrong with that?

>> Nothing, expect one day she started to talk and I found out how dumb she was.

You know that dame's really 60 cents short.

Not only that, she got on a getting-married kick.

What is it with these dames?

They all wanna get married?

I know a lot of nice people that aren't married.

Then one night I took her out.

(phone ringing) Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Right, sir.

After you tell Edwards he's being shipped out, send him in to see Miller and have his supply record checked out.

>> Right.

Psst.

>> Hello.

You're that cute Corporal that was here when I came before, aren't you?

>> Yes, but Sergeant Puccinelli still isn't in.

>> I don't suppose you know if he's gonna stay in camp tonight or tomorrow night?

>> No, well you see, we never know when we're gonna be alerted.

>> I know.

>> Ours is not the reason why.

Ours is but to do or die.

>> That's cute.

>> Look, why don't you write him a note?

>> Write him?

Well, you do it.

Just say I'll be back at 6:45 when I get off from work.

And put down it's important.

And if I don't see him, there might be trouble.

>> Okay.

If I see him.

You know, he's not the easiest guy in the world to locate.

>> Don't I know it.

Well, I have to get back to the PX.

We're terribly busy today, we're closed.

Closed for inventory.

(giggles) Goodbye.

>> Well, they did it again.

The Adjutant just stuck me with Officer of the Day.

>> I know.

>> You know?

>> Well, why didn't you tell me?

>> My wife just told me.

>> Did she also mention when the war would be over?

>> She doesn't tell me everything she knows.

>> Psst, Clark.

>> Corporal: It's okay, she's gone.

>> What'd Millie have to say?

>> She left you a note.

She said she'd be back 6:45.

(loud knocking) Come in.

>> Vic: No!

>> But Sergeant?

>> Vic: You got permission to come in here?

>> No.

>> Well get out.

They think all I have to do around here is hand out passes.

What was I talking about?

>> Millie.

She said if she doesn't see you tonight, there's gonna be trouble.

>> I better catch the first bus into town.

>> Hey Corporal.

Would you know where I can get my hands- >> Hey.

Douse them lights.

The Colonel's coming by.

The offices too.

>> Hey!

Oh, I'm sorry sir, but the Colonel is coming and you know how he feels about lights burning in the daytime.

>> Captain: And you know how I feel about it.

>> Yes, I do sir.

>> All clear.

>> Okay, turn 'em on.

>> Hey, where's Korwin?

>> He's been running in and out of here all day long, and if he keeps it up, we'll have to put in a revolving door.

>> Does he got permission to skip training?

>> No and you better find him and we'll send him to the CO. >> Right, Sarge.

>> And another thing.

Edwards and these guys are shipping overseas.

(loud knocking) >> Come in.

(loud knocking) Come in.

>> Get outta here.

>> Sergeant: Come back here.

>> Vic: Get outta here.

>> Come back here.

Let's be explaining why you ain't been in no classes all afternoon.

>> I been looking all over for you, McVey.

>> Oh, you've been looking for me huh?

>> Yeah, I wanna know, could I have permission to see the First Sergeant?

>> No.

>> Yeah, but I gotta see him.

>> You don't gotta see nobody!

>> I got a message for the First Sergeant from Battalion headquarters.

>> Vic: Now, why didn't you say so?

>> He didn't let me.

>> Korwin, you never learn.

You know, before you take off on details, you gotta tell your platoon Sergeant.

>> You was the one that sent me on a detail.

>> Well, that don't make no difference.

>> Vic: All right, what's the message?

>> It says that you gotta report to the dispensary in the morning for a physical examination.

>> Physical?

Let me see that.

My application for paratroops went through.

>> Hey Sarge, you need me for anything?

>> No, take two weeks off.

>> Right, sir.

(Sergeant whistling) >> Well, wait a minute Sarge.

Form 38's filled out in case of discharge.

>> Discharge?

What does that mean?

>> Oh he's right, Sergeant.

According to paragraph eight, article 40-100, 24 hours prior to discharge of an enlisted man, for reasons other than physical disability, he must be examined and form 38 filled out.

(chuckles) Clever?

>> They can't do this to me.

>> Sergeant?

>> What?

>> When you get home, will you call my mother?

>> Oh, get out of here.

I'll refuse.

I'll go in and tear up Battalion headquarters board by board.

Captain Caldwell, can you do something about this?

They wanna discharge me.

Me a 4F, well, they're crazy.

>> Captain: Now Sergeant- >> Well go ahead and read it for yourself.

>> Captain: Sergeant Puccinelli.

Millie will be here at six- >> No, no.

>> Captain: WDAGO Form 38... Oh calm yourself, Sergeant.

Your application for warrant officer has come through.

You're being discharged to accept appointment as warrant officer.

>> Me an officer?

Well, that's worse.

>> Captain: Sergeant.

>> Yes, sir?

>> Captain: Would you make out tomorrow's morning report and send it to Battalion?

>> Morning report tonight?

>> Captain: Yes, from now on, they want it in the night before.

>> It's a discharge so I can become a warrant officer.

>> Congratulations.

>> Hey what's this deal about me shipping out?

>> There's no deal.

You're just on a movement.

You'll be leaving in a couple days.

>> Look Sarge.

How about crossing my name off that list?

You know, I got a new girl in town and we're pretty serious.

>> Vic: That's very touching.

>> Listen, I gotta see my girl, I tell you.

>> I've seen the girls you go with.

You'll do better where you are going.

>> Edwards: Yeah?

Well, I've seen your type too.

>> Well, why don't you drop down to the Realto Theater sometime?

>> Edwards: The Realto?

>> Yeah, the new red-headed usher.

>> Helen?

>> Vic: That's right.

>> Well I'm a dirty, low-down, no-good- >> You win that argument.

Go ahead, start another one.

>> You're cutting in on me.

I go with Helen.

>> You went with Helen.

>> Now I see why I'm on shipment.

You're pulling your rank on me.

>> Why- >> Don't do it, Sarge.

96th article of war.

Sock him and the Captain will bust you.

>> Put this on the bulletin board.

You can take off wise guy, and start packing.

I've got work to do.

This ain't no poolroom.

>> No?

I could've sworn I just saw an eight ball.

>> Vic: Get outta here.

(mournful piano music) ♪ I never went to college ♪ I haven't got much knowledge ♪ But, there are some things that I know I know ♪ ♪ I've gone and made a survey ♪ A very special survey ♪ And, I discovered that statistics show ♪ >> And, what do you think you're doing?

>> I'm singing.

>> You call this singing?

>> Didn't you like it a little?

>> I didn't even like it a lot.

>> You have to admit my voice is different.

>> Come on, Sarge, let's hear you sing it.

>> Vic: Oh, I can't.

I got some work to do besides I got a date in town.

>> Aw, come on, Sarge.

(soldiers chattering) >> Okay, one chorus.

(bright music) ♪ It's easier to say I love you ♪ ♪ Than tonda wanda hoy conicka la ♪ ♪ And wouldn't you rather say I love you ♪ ♪ Than tonda wanda hoy conicka la ♪ ♪ It's easier to spell kiss me dear ♪ ♪ Than tonda wanda hoy conicka la ♪ ♪ And wouldn't you rather hear kiss me dear ♪ ♪ Than tonda wanda hoy conicka la ♪ ♪ To quote a famous Yale professor ♪ ♪ Osculation is a sensation that is nice ♪ ♪ If you should ask a Harvard lawyer ♪ ♪ He'll charge you $20 ♪ And he'll give you this advice ♪ ♪ It's easier to say I love you ♪ ♪ Than tonda wanda hoy conicka la ♪ ♪ And wouldn't you rather say I love you ♪ ♪ Than tonda wanda hoy conicka la ♪ ♪ To quote a famous Yale professor ♪ ♪ Osculation is a sensation that is nice ♪ ♪ If you should ask a Harvard lawyer ♪ ♪ He'll charge you $20 ♪ And he'll give you this advice ♪ ♪ It's easier to say I love you ♪ ♪ Than tonda wanda hoy conicka la ♪ ♪ And wouldn't you rather say I love you ♪ ♪ Than tonda wanda hoy ♪ Tonda wanda hoy ♪ Tonda wanda hoy conicka la (audience applauding) All right Korwin.

Come on.

Let's get going.

Come on.

How long before Miller gets here?

>> About 20 minutes.

>> I'd like to find the joker that spread the rumor around that I'm already a warrant officer.

>> Why?

>> Every time I walk into the barracks some nitwit yells 'tention!

I walked in while McVey was shaving, he snapped to attention, nearly cut his throat.

>> Sergeant McVey cut his throat?

>> No, he just nicked it a little but he bled like a stuck pig.

(typewriter clacking) >> Okay you lucky people you can go to town now.

I'm ready to take over.

>> Take that junk into the Captain's office.

>> Right.

>> And take that with you!

>> Hey Korwin, give me a hand with this will you?

>> Well I guess that wraps things up, Clark.

Go on, get home to the little woman.

>> Okay, Sarge, see you in the morning.

>> I'll be back in a minute.

Hey Korwin.

Don't forget you have to police up outside too.

Listen, Shaughnessy, some babe might drop in here soon asking for me, so tell her I'm out running the obstacle course.

>> Okay, Sarge.

>> You know Shaughnessy, I kinda wish that McVey would have cut his throat.

>> How could he blow his whistle?

>> You know, some people tell you when you get in the Army, you get used to it.

But they don't say how long it takes, and I ain't getting any younger.

>> You know something, Korwin?

>> Hey, Corporal.

Come on, let's be giving me the pass.

>> Well, what are your plans for tonight, Sarge?

>> Oh, I guess I'll get me a couple of beers.

>> Oh, gonna wet your whistle eh?

>> You bet.

(Korwin laughing) Come on, let's be hurrying.

Hey, there's something you missed.

Let's be getting on the ball.

>> Yeah, but nobody can see up there, Sergeant.

>> That don't make no difference!

Gettin' awful sloppy around here.

You gotta be neat.

Gotta be tidy.

'Cause if we ain't, somebody's gonna get it.

This Army ain't just a place to have fun you know.

Well, if'n anybody asks for me, I'm painting the town.

And when I'm painting the town, I'm painting the town.

>> Big man.

"Gotta be neat.

Gotta be tidy.

Here's something you missed.

Let's be getting on the ball."

Yeah, but Sergeant, no one can see that.

"That don't make no difference!"

"If'n anybody's asking for me, I'll be out painting the town.

And when I paint the town, I'm painting the town."

>> Take it easy, son.

>> Why that McVey have to be in the Army for?

Why couldn't he be in the Navy?

I can't sleep in the afternoon on account of that guy.

>> Shaughnessy: Well, why don't you take a poke at him?

>> Me, take a poke at Sergeant McVey?

You know what they'd do to me?

>> What can they do to you?

There's nothing lower than what you are now.

Look, in the regulations, it says that you can challenge anybody in the Army.

If you think they're taking advantage of you, ask them to put the gloves on with you.

>> You mean I could sock Sergeant McVey in the nose and nobody'd say nothing?

>> Sure.

>> What if he hit me first?

>> But you don't let him.

You see it's a matter of science, lad.

Come here, I'll show you.

Strike a pose.

No, you see first you gotta pick a style.

John L. Sullivan.

No, that's not for you.

Wait a minute.

The Jack Dempsey crouch.

That's better.

You're a killer.

Get low.

Lower, lower.

No, no.

Hey, I got it.

Come here.

Tony Canzoneri.

That's it.

He was a ballet dancer.

Oh no.

Look, you gotta have rhythm.

Watch.

Ya bum bum bum zing zing.

Ya bum bum bum zing zing.

Ya bum bum bum zing zing.

(footsteps tapping) >> Korwin.

Come here.

What are you doing?

>> I'm training.

>> For what?

>> I'm going to put the gloves on with Sergeant McVey.

>> McVey?

>> Yeah, I'm going to jab his head off.

>> Where do you want the body sent?

>> Send it to McVey's parents.

>> Your body?

Go on, get in and finish the rest of your work.

>> Vic.

>> Vic: No!

>> Can't I just talk to you for a minute?

>> All right.

What do you want now?

>> Remember that song we wrote together?

>> Yeah, what about it?

>> Well, we got a telegram from the music publisher and he wants us to put the song on a record and send it to him right away.

>> Go ahead and make a record of it.

>> No, I want you should record it.

>> Get Bing Crosby.

>> I like you better.

>> Oh you don't have to fight McVey.

You're punchy already.

>> Why?

Just cause I like you better?

Hey, least you could do is show a little consideration for me.

Sure, I know you're a sergeant and I'm only a private.

Least you could do is be a little friendly.

>> All right.

I love you, I'm your friend.

What do you want me to do?

>> If you never ever give me a pass again, I don't care.

Just take this song into town tonight.

You know to that place where you put a quarter in the machine, instead of writing home to your mother, you send your voice on a record.

Here's a quarter.

>> But I got a date.

>> So what?

Take your date to the recording booth with you.

Might be a little warm, might be a little fun.

>> All right.

I'll record it.

>> Millie!

>> I'll be seeing you.

(light knocking) >> Come in.

Oh, hello.

>> Hello.

Is Sergeant Puccinelli in?

>> Oh no, he's out on a bivouac.

>> Oh, that's a shame.

How'd it happen?

>> Say, haven't I seen you someplace before?

>> You might have seen me at the PX.

Number 10.

I used to sell beer.

But I asked to be transferred to the candy counter.

>> What happened?

Did you get hungry?

>> Good evening, Corporal.

>> Corporal: Oh, hi.

>> Aren't you going to introduce us?

>> Corporal: Uh, Private Edwards meet a friend.

Friend, meet Private Edwards.

>> Your name's Millie, isn't it?

>> Millie doesn't look it, but she just switched from beer to candy.

>> Would you like to take your break now Corporal?

>> Definitely.

>> Millie: Glad to have met you.

>> Oh, thank you.

If you want anything, just ring for the bellboy.

>> He's nice, isn't he?

Do you think Cutie will be here tonight?

>> Cutie?

You mean Puccinelli?

No, I don't think he can make it.

But anything you wanna tell him, why you can tell me.

>> What's your name?

Battalion headquarters is so crazy when he introduced us, that all I remember is that you're a friend of his.

U.S. That's cute.

Monogrammed blankets.

>> My name is Caldwell, Private Ernie Caldwell.

And, I was just thinking that, if you're not doing anything tomorrow night, why- >> Oh, tomorrow night.

>> Hello.

>> Edwards: Don't you know enough to knock before you come into a room?

>> Gee whiz, I was just down at the PX and I thought Corporal Shaughnessy would like some ice cream.

>> Ernie: Well, set it on the desk.

I'll see that he gets it.

>> The spoon's inside.

>> We'll keep this between the two of us.

>> You don't gotta worry about me.

I'm no snitcher.

Got a cigarette?

♪ Do do do do do do ♪ Da da ay ♪ Da da da da da da da da da da ♪ (chair clattering) (crowd chattering) Corporal, I gotta get into town right away.

Can I have a pass?

>> Are you nuts?

You're restricted.

>> But the fellas forgot the music.

I've gotta have a pass.

>> Nothing doing.

>> Corporal, it's a matter of life and death.

>> Nothing doing.

(slow swing music) (upbeat swing music) (Korwin whistling) (truck door slamming) (truck engine rumbling) (cars honking) (men whistling) (upbeat swing music) >> Hey, can you sing Melancholy Baby?

>> No.

>> That's okay, I'm glad.

I hate that Melancholy Baby.

(patrons chattering) >> I beg your pardon, did you see...

I beg your pardon.

Never mind.

>> Hey Charlie.

What was that?

>> I don't know, Sarge.

>> Excuse me.

(women screaming) I beg your pardon.

>> Did you see what I saw?

>> Soldier: Yeah.

(patrons chattering) >> Bartender: Here's a light.

What'll you have?

>> Korwin: Creme de.

(patrons chattering) >> Excuse me, little lady.

How 'bout a little drink?

>> Please!

>> Hey, can you sing Melancholy Baby?

>> Bartender.

>> All right, Romeo.

>> I'm just buying a little drink for Melancholy Baby.

>> You've had enough, Sarge.

>> Uh-uh.

I ain't gonna stop drinking, until she starts looking good to me.

Now, you know you are the first dame I ever met who didn't remind of any other dame I ever met.

>> Well!

Bartender, how much do I owe you?

>> Bartender: A half a buck.

Thank you.

>> Thank you.

You've been very nice.

What were you saying?

>> How 'bout singing a little song?

>> Little song for soldier?

Would you like ah, crevedin song or crobelin song?

Or possibly you'd like a lablovindin song, hmm?

Certainly.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry.

(chuckles) Would you play this please?

>> Oh sure.

>> Thank you.

(soft piano music) ♪ It's easier to say ♪ I love you ♪ Than tonda wanda hoy conicka la ♪ ♪ And wouldn't you rather say ♪ I love you ♪ Than tonda wanda hoy conicka la ♪ ♪ It's easier to spell ♪ Kiss me dear ♪ Than tonda wanda hoy conicka la ♪ ♪ And wouldn't you rather hear ♪ Kiss me dear ♪ Than tonda wanda hoy conicka la ♪ ♪ To quote a famous Yale professor ♪ ♪ Osculation is a sensation that is nice ♪ ♪ If you should ask a Harvard lawyer ♪ ♪ He'll charge you $20 ♪ He'll give you this advice ♪ It's easier to say (singing gibberish) ♪ Conicka la >> Nah, can't be.

♪ And wouldn't you rather say (singing gibberish) ♪ Than tonda wanda hoy ♪ Tonda wanda hoy ♪ Tonda wanda hoy conicka la ♪ Conicka la (patrons chattering) Psst, psst.

It's me, Alvin.

>> Alvin?

What on earth are you doing in that outfit?

Are you nuts?

>> Me nuts?

You guys ran off and forgot the music.

>> What if you get caught?

>> Never mind.

Get Puch in that recording booth.

We gotta have those records the first thing in the morning.

He's over there.

>> Now as I was saying.

>> Yes, Vic?

>> Helen, you look so wonderful tonight.

Could I interest you in a slightly used kiss?

>> Pokey: Hey, Sarge.

>> Now what do you guys want?

>> We had to go back to camp.

We forgot the music.

>> Vic: Well don't bother me.

Give it to Sam at the piano.

>> Okay, Sarge.

>> Bye.

(tender orchestral music) >> What's the matter.

Vic?

>> Oh nothing.

Just one of those things.

>> Come on.

What is it?

>> I didn't want to tell you, but- >> But what?

>> We're being alerted.

>> Alerted?

>> Shh.

>> But, Vic.

Well what am I gonna do when you're gone?

>> Why Helen, you're gonna miss me that much?

>> Why sure, Vic.

>> This may sound a little hokey, but I wrote a song and I'd like to make a record of it, just for you.

>> Oh, Vic.

That's nice.

>> Would you mind stepping into the booth while I record it?

>> I'd love to.

(audience applauding) (bright swing music) ♪ You ♪ And your beautiful eyes ♪ Tell such wonderful lies ♪ When ♪ You start that hocus pocus ♪ Boing ♪ Things get out of focus ♪ You ♪ And the way that you kiss ♪ They ought to give you a prize ♪ ♪ Baby you could make a statue ♪ Come to life just looking at you ♪ ♪ Gee, but you're beautiful ♪ Oh, but you're beautiful ♪ You and your beautiful eyes ♪ You ♪ You're so observant ♪ And your beautiful eyes ♪ But, so unnerving ♪ That tell ♪ This line you're sellin' ♪ Such beautiful lies ♪ May start my head ♪ In swelling ♪ When ♪ Tell me some more ♪ You start that hocus pocus ♪ Jumping Jimminy Crickets ♪ Boing ♪ Things get out of focus ♪ Let's talk about you ♪ Well honey please do ♪ And the way that you kiss ♪ Do it like this ♪ They ought to stage a big parade ♪ ♪ Give you a prize ♪ Your lips let's try 'em on for size oh baby ♪ ♪ You could make a statue ♪ Come to life just looking at you ♪ ♪ Don't stop ♪ Gee but you're beautiful ♪ Don't stop ♪ Oh but they're beautiful ♪ You and your beautiful eyes ♪ So big ♪ So bright ♪ So wise ♪ Yes you and your beautiful eyes ♪ ♪ Ah la da da da da ♪ La da da ♪ Da da da da da da ♪ La da da da da ♪ Hmm hmm hmm ♪ Da da da da da da, da da da da ♪ ♪ Da da da da da da (coughing) ♪ Da da da da da da >> All right, Korwin.

What are you doing?

You gonna make this your life's work?

>> What do you want from me?

Why don't you worry about what you're doing I'll worry about what I'm doing.

I never made this stuff before in my life.

When those guys are ready for it, I'll give it to 'em.

But, it's gotta be finished.

Worry about what you're doing.

Let me worry about what I'm doing.

I never done anything like it in my whole life.

Who are you?

♪ Da da da da da, da da da ♪ Da da da da da da da (Vic applauding) >> Good boy, Korwin, good boy.

Now come on, let's got down to the little ol' dispensary, huh?

>> What, the where?

>> The little old dispensary.

We're gonna take the little old arm, then we'll roll up the little old sleeve, then we'll get the little old needle, and then we'll give you a little old shot, and it ain't' going to hurt a little old bit.

Come on.

>> Korwin: You sure it ain't gonna hurt?

>> No, it won't hurt you a bit.

Come on.

Good boy, go ahead.

Believe me, when I tell you something.

You won't even feel the little old needle.

>> I won't feel the little old needle?

>> No, won't even hurt you a little bit?

>> Won't even hurt a little bit?

>> No.

>> Is it a square needle?

>> Round needle.

>> Doctor: Next.

(Korwin laughs) (Korwin screams) >> Korwin!

>> Korwin: Oh, Vic!

>> Korwin.

Now just relax.

>> Roll up your sleeve.

>> Oh come on, think of something pleasant.

You're eating ice cream.

You're dancing with a beautiful, beautiful girl.

You're sleeping in a white dreamy bed.

>> Hey (speaking gibberish).

>> I didn't get to the last part.

(Korwin speaking gibberish) Now that didn't hurt a bit, did it?

How do you feel?

Feel good?

Okay?

Come on, let's go.

Korwin!

(hard knocking) (typewriter clacking) >> Come in.

>> Does this finish up your malaria shots?

>> Yes, Corporal.

And me too.

>> Here, take this note into the mess sergeant.

>> How do you feel?

>> How do you think I feel?

What do they think I am in there, a pin cushion?

You said it wouldn't hurt me.

>> You'll live, you'll live.

>> That's what I'm afraid of.

>> Good morning, Clark.

>> Good morning, Captain.

>> As you were.

Puccinelli, I talked to Colonel Davis and he's going to put you on that overseas movement.

>> That's swell, Captain.

>> Did Corporal Clark tell you about the woman who was in orderly room yesterday?

>> Yes, sir.

>> She's having trouble locating some man in the company.

And I want you to find the man.

>> Yes, sir.

I'll try, but it won't be easy.

>> She could make things nasty if she got to the Colonel.

Will you take care of it?

>> I, I'll do my best sir.

>> Good.

And, as soon as you find the man, I want to see him.

>> Yes, sir.

How do you like that?

Now I'm in charge of domestic relations.

Even that little alert gag I pulled on Millie just to kiss her a few times, you know that could develop- >> Hey douse them lights.

The Colonel's coming by.

>> Davenport: Ten hut.

>> As you were.

Sergeant Puccinelli, I'd like to see your copy of the master training schedule.

It's supposed to be posted permanently on the bulletin board.

>> Yes, sir.

Corporal Clark, show the Colonel where we posted the schedule.

An old bat.

>> What was that?

>> He said it's right over here, sir.

It's uh, it's here, sir.

>> I can't see it.

>> Corporal: Well, it's, I'm sure I put it here.

>> Well, it doesn't seem to be here now.

>> I think it's in the other room, Colonel.

>> What was that?

>> I think it's in the other room.

>> Colonel: Oh.

>> Colonel.

(men clattering) >> At ease.

>> Good morning, Colonel.

>> Good morning, Caldwell.

We can't seem to find a copy of that master training schedule.

It should be posted in every orderly room.

>> It's probably there, sir.

>> No it isn't on that board.

>> I can't understand why it isn't up.

>> Corporal: Here it is.

>> I hope it looks better than your orderly room.

>> Sergeant Puccinelli.

(bell ringing) (door clattering) >> Open that door!

(Davenport thudding) (bells ringing) (machine fizzing fading) I hope someday to see a copy of that master training schedule.

>> We found it, sir.

It was posted under SOP.

>> Ah, yes.

Well no wonder I didn't see it.

It's too dark in here.

Turn on those lights.

>> Here's the envelope from Battalion.

So you're really gonna ship me out?

>> That's right.

>> Well, Cutie.

I had a nice little talk last night with Millie and- >> And?

>> And I'll give you the rest of the day to get my name off that list.

>> Don't threaten me.

Get out.

>> Wait a minute.

>> It's a pleasure.

>> Here's a telegram for Korwin.

Give it to him in the mess hall.

>> Sergeant Puccinelli.

Colonel Davis is going to inspect the supply room.

And following that, the mess hall.

>> Yes, sir.

>> Hey, Miller!

(fist pounding) >> Miller: Yeah?

>> The Colonel's gonna inspect in a minute.

>> Oh no, Sarge!

Ditch this for me.

Comin' out of Pemlico.

Where am I gonna hide this?

A long one for Louie.

>> All lined up for Mrs. O'Reilly.

>> Miller: Another one.

>> Wait a minute.

>> Refer to the charges.

>> Miller: I'm outta here.

>> Captain, what's gotten into this company?

>> Well a few things have gone wrong, sir.

>> A few things?

Captain I have never- (mess hall exploding) What was that?

>> Sounds like the mess hall.

>> Mess hall?

>> Signal's over.

>> What's the meaning of- >> Ten hut!

>> Sergeant Puccinelli, what's going on here?

(whistle tooting) >> What's that whistle?

Is it a fire?

What is it?

>> It's a baby.

Vic look!

It's a little baby!

Look we done it.

Look, when we first married, we didn't think we'd have any, and now we got a little, Colonel!

Vic!

>> Captain: The Colonel said this is the most outrageous company he's ever seen and he's canceled you off that shipping order.

>> You mean I can't go overseas?

>> Captain: That's right.

And, here it is in writing.

Not only that, he's given all us B Company officers a big, fat math problem.

>> I'm sorry, sir.

Yes, sir.

How do you like that?

Five years in this man's Army.

Five years and the day before I go on shipment, I get caught in this filthy machinery.

Manage.

What's the first class this afternoon?

>> Calisthenics.

>> Oh fine, that's all I need.

There's got to be an easier way to make a living.

>> I don't see how we can identify these small islands just by their topography.

>> I'm afraid this little number will keep us busy for a week.

>> Corporal: Oh, good afternoon Mrs. Caldwell.

>> Good afternoon.

How soon will you be ready?

>> Well, well, well.

All dressed up to go places, I see.

I'm afraid that for once in my life, I have a surprise for you.

>> Really?

>> It seems that without consulting you, the Colonel has given B Company officers a special problem which will undoubtedly take all night to do.

>> What kind of problem?

>> We have to identify a number of South Pacific islands by their topography.

>> Sally said you wouldn't get that till tomorrow.

>> Then you must have done something to anger Sally, because she gave it to us today.

>> Well, I'll tell her a thing or two.

I might have come out without the answers.

>> The answers?

>> Yes, I have them right here.

Some place.

Here you are.

>> Munich, Strasbourg?

These aren't the answers.

>> Oh, that's C Company.

Here's yours.

>> Eru, Koso, Tagua.

Terray, if I thought there was another woman like Dorothy on this Earth, I'd tell you to get married at once.

Honey, this is wonderful.

>> I'm certainly glad you appreciate me.

Well, I've got a few things to pick up at the PX.

And I'll be back to pick you up in exactly 20 minutes.

Uh oh, I better get this to Captain Steiner in C Company.

At ease, men.

>> Oh that McVey.

Can you imagine that?

He wants another good conduct ribbon.

>> How does he lose so many?

>> I don't know.

He gets plastered and deals 'em out like fraternity pins.

>> McVey: Hey, the Colonel's checking calisthenics.

>> Miller, the officers.

>> I beg your pardon, sir.

>> Captain: Yes, what is it?

>> The colonel is checking orderly rooms.

Sergeant Miller on duty, sir.

>> Where is Sergeant Puccinelli?

>> With the company, taking calisthenics, sir.

Shall I get him for you, sir?

>> No.

No, the exercise will be good for him.

>> Yes, sir.

>> Uh, Miller?

>> Yes, sir?

>> At ease.

What's the name of that Sergeant, the one with the whistle?

>> Oh you mean McVey, sir.

>> Yes.

I want you to find McVey immediately.

Tell him to get this entire outfit on the obstacle course in 10 minutes.

Understand?

>> Yes, sir.

(machine bells ringing) (machine sputtering) >> McVey: Left, left.

Hup, two, three, four.

(flourishing orchestral music) Hey, Korwin.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Left, left.

(soldiers shouting) Come on, let's go.

Head's down.

All right, you guys, keep it moving.

Now, let's go.

I don't wanna hear them helmets.

Keep it going along.

Keep moving.

(comical music) All right, come on out of them pipes.

Come out fresh, keep it moving.

I don't wanna hear your helmets pounding.

Hey Korwin, come out.

Be gettin' outta (indistinct).

Let's get outta there.

You're holding up- (chickens clucking) All right come on, keep crawling.

All right, let's go.

Come on, stay with it, keep moving.

Come on swing, Erwin.

Keep it moving.

Walk back to the next turn.

Come on, let's go.

You're holding it up there.

Keep the lines there.

Come on, Korwin, let's go.

You're holding up the detail.

All the guys are waiting.

On this side, Korwin.

What, are you crazy?

On this side!

Stay here now.

Come on, you can do it.

(dramatic music) Korwin, that ain't regulation.

(Korwin screaming) Makin' like a bird.

(flourishing orchestral music) Korwin.

>> Yes, Sarge?

>> You gotta stop this clowning.

(explosion booming) (soldiers screaming) (gunshots popping) All right you guys, keep it down low there.

Come on, keep moving.

(explosions booming) Hey, Korwin!

What happened to Korwin?

(explosion booming) (gunshots popping) Hey, Korwin!

Hey, you guys seen Korwin?

Hey, Korwin, this way.

(explosion booming) All right, let's go.

Come on, you're holding it up.

Look alive there.

Come on.

All right, you guys.

Come on now, come on now.

Keep it roll.

What are you doing up there, mailing letters?

Oh, Korwin!

Korwin.

Hey, Korwin you all right?

Water!

Get some water!

Hurry up!

Korwin.

>> Here you are, Sarge.

What'll I do with it?

>> McVey: Let him have it.

(dramatic music) Wait a second, now.

Take it easy, now.

Come on.

You all right, Korwin?

>> Soldier: You all right, Korwin?

>> McVey: You okay?

>> Soldier: Ouch.

(machine ringing) (machine thudding) (machine whistling) (bells clanging) (cow mooing) (machine clanging) (bells ringing) >> I can't take those pushups the way I used to.

>> Well, glad to see that they finally fixed that soft drink machine.

>> Well, I think I'll go in there and take care of that supply sergeant now.

You know, he turns the same articles in for salvage over and over again?

I think he's going to open up an Army and Navy store.

(typewriter clacking) As you were.

Sergeant Miller?

>> Miller: Yes, Sergeant?

>> Hey, where's Sergeant Puccinelli?

>> I don't know.

Boy he's sure in trouble again.

The Colonel's after him, the Captain's after him, and Millie's after him.

I wouldn't trade places with him with 14 points.

>> Captain: I see you took care of that supply situation to your satisfaction.

>> Yes, sir.

I don't think we'll have anymore trouble with Sergeant Miller.

I have to get on to my next class.

>> Boy that was close!

The Colonel almost had me that time.

Got a cigarette?

>> Yeah, sure Sarge.

Here, roll your own.

>> Captain: That'll be all, Sergeant Miller.

>> What's Miller featuring today?

(typewriter clacking) 40 medium?

>> Natch.

(bell ringing) >> Yes, sir.

>> Captain: Have you made any progress finding out about that girl?

>> What girl?

>> Captain: The one who was in the orderly room yesterday.

>> Oh.

Yes, sir.

I have a hunch sir.

>> Captain: I wanna see that man as soon as possible.

>> Yes, sir.

Hey where's Korwin?

>> He's in the rec hall rehearsing.

>> Rehearsing?

For what, how to become a mental case?

(bright swing music) (slower big band music) (audience applauding) >> Okay, come on, let's go.

>> Where?

>> To see Captain Caldwell.

>> What'd I do now?

>> You'll find out and I'm delivering you C.O.D., come on.

>> What about the number?

>> What number?

>> You promised Pokey you'd do it.

>> Well, tell him to get with it, but hurry up.

All right, go ahead, ask him.

But watch how you ask him.

In a nice way.

Use a little diplomacy.

You say, Pokey, will you play a song for Vic and I, we're gonna dance.

'Cause you and me Alvin.

We're going to be together a long, long time.

You and me, we're friends right?

So ask Pokey.

Go ahead, ask him and I'll wait till you're all through.

'Cause I have nothing else to say.

Go ahead.

You say, Pokey, play some music for Vic and I.

Go ahead and I'll wait till you all, what are you waiting for?

Don't make- >> All right.

I forgot what I was going to ask him now.

Oh yeah.

Pokey, would you play this dance number for Vic and I, we're gonna do this together?

>> Sure.

>> Thanks a heap.

(bright big band music) >> Old time dance?

>> Korwin: Old time dance.

(feet tapping) (canes clacking) (audience applauding) (audience laughing) All right, let's take the last 16 bars of the song where Vic and I go out and we do the last bars to the finish of the song.

Ready, one, two, three, and- (feet tapping) No, the whole band, they should play it together.

And... (Korwin vocalizing) What are you waiting for?

>> Look buster, I don't do it unless the Sergeant tells me.

>> Figures.

>> Oh hoo.

>> Okay, Poke.

(lively music) (audience applauding) (audience member whistling) >> All right folks, let's quiet down now.

We'd like to present First Sergeant Victor Puccinelli and Private First Class Alvin Korwin doing their impression of two great personalities.

(soft music) (Vic humming) (Vic whistling) >> Well, top of the morning to you, Father.

>> How are you my boy?

I just thought I'd stop over now, son, and let you know that I don't like the idea of you leaving St. Dominick's charge.

>> Well kinda hate to see you leave the place too, Father.

>> I was just wondering if I might ask a wee bit of a favor now, son.

>> Well, go right ahead.

>> I'd love for you to sing me an old Irish lullaby.

Just once again before you go.

>> Now which little Irish lullaby you speaking about?

>> The one you did the night I was so sick in bed, son.

You remember that one, now don't you, lad?

>> Well, couldn't rightly do it for you tonight, Father, gotta have a little music behind me, now you know that.

>> But I've got my music box.

You sang with it once.

You can do it again.

Won't you try now son?

>> Well, sure it'd be a pleasure to do it for you.

>> Just open it wide open, she'll play nice.

(soft chiming music) ♪ Too-ra-loo ♪ Ra-loo-ral ♪ Too-ra-loo ♪ Ra-li ♪ Too-ra-loo ♪ Ra-loo-ral ♪ Oh now, hush ♪ And don't you cry ♪ Too-ra-loo ♪ Ra-loo-ral ♪ Too-ra-loo ♪ Ra-li ♪ Too-ra-loo ♪ Ra-loo-Ral ♪ Well, sure that's a nice ♪ Lulla ♪ By (loud knocking) Sir, would you still like to see the man I spoke to you about?

The one that caused all the trouble?

>> Captain: Definitely.

>> Yes, sir.

Korwin, come here.

>> Private First Class Korwin reporting sir, as ordered.

>> Captain: At ease.

Korwin, what's your first name?

>> Alvin.

>> Alvin?

>> Yes, sir.

Alvin, bringing children into the world is a solemn matter.

>> Solemn, sir?

I didn't think it was so solemn.

>> That's the trouble.

Sometimes we don't realize it until it's too late.

Now, what do you intend to do about this matter?

>> Nothing, sir.

Everything's been done already.

>> That's the wrong attitude entirely.

Aren't you ashamed?

>> No, sir.

I'm very proud.

>> Proud?

>> Yes, sir.

We wanted a baby, so we got a baby.

>> Captain: You wanted a baby?

>> Yes, sir.

>> But don't you understand?

You can't let this baby grow up without a name.

>> I know.

We'll think of a name for it.

>> Captain: That's not what I mean.

Now, Korwin, listen to me closely.

Do you have any love for this woman?

>> Yes, sir.

I love her very much.

>> Well, then my job should be simple.

I'm going to give you a three-day pass, so you can go to this girl and do right by her.

>> Oh thank you, sir.

>> But understand, this pass is only to give this baby a name.

>> Three-day pass to think of a name.

I know, sir!

We'll name it after you.

>> That's not necessary.

But I'll tell you this, when the baby's born, I'll see to it that you get an emergency furlough.

>> Sir, but I.. >> No buts about it?

That'll be all.

Get into class A uniform.

>> Yes, sir.

>> Puccinelli.

I've decided to give Korwin a three-day pass.

>> A pass?

But Captain, after what he did?

Well I have to give him a pass, so he can get married.

>> Get married?

What for?

>> Puccinelli.

Is this or is this not the man who's in trouble?

>> Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

He's in trouble all right, sir.

What he means is that the baby's already been born.

Is that right, Korwin?

>> Ah.

Yes, sir.

Yes ma'am.

Yes, Sergeant.

>> Well, that's different.

Gimme that pass.

>> Oh, but Captain- >> We'll give you an emergency furlough.

>> Oh, thank you.

>> But, get this Korwin, you'd better bring back a marriage certificate.

>> Oh, that's easy.

I got one in the barracks.

>> He doesn't mean his own, sir.

One of the boys has one tacked up on the wall.

Korwin, you better get ready to go.

>> Yes, Sergeant.

>> Well, I'm off to Battalion.

>> Sir, do you want me to type up these furlough papers?

>> No, I'll have it done at headquarters.

I wanna push it right through.

>> Yes, sir.

(loud knocking) >> Uh oh.

Clark, don't leave me here alone.

>> Millie: Cutie!

>> Millie, what a surprise to see you here.

>> Well, I've been trying so hard to see you.

>> Millie, come here.

Now tell me the truth.

Are you going to have a- >> Yes, Vic.

Where did you hear?

>> Where did I hear?

Why, it's practically a coast-to-coast hook-up.

(loud knocking) Look, honey.

Step into the Captain's office, just a minute.

>> No!

There's too much traffic in there.

>> Please, Millie.

(loud knocking) Come in.

>> Victor Puccinelli, I have a few questions to ask you.

>> Helen, listen- >> And the first one has to do with Jack Edwards.

>> Oh, if that's all that's bothering you- >> Listen, Cutie- >> Please, Midge.

>> Who was that girl?

>> Mrs. Caldwell, the Captain's wife.

>> Oh.

If you send Jack Edwards out of this camp, consider our relationship at an end.

>> Oh you wouldn't do that, would you, honey?

>> On the contrary.

I'm not sure I'm in love with either one of you.

But, well, I wanna be fair to you both.

>> Now look sugar- >> Good afternoon, Sergeant.

>> Oh Captain Caldwell, Miss Palmer, I'd like to have you meet her.

>> Captain: How do you do?

>> How do you do?

>> Captain, I think you're wanted down at Battalion headquarters.

>> Oh, hello.

Can I help you?

>> Oh, yes.

>> Captain: Lt. Davenport!

>> Now wait a minute.

Don't mix me up in this.

>> Maybe I'd better leave.

>> No, one moment.

You've made a startling recovery, haven't you?

>> I don't know what you're talking about.

(bell ringing) >> Sergeant Puccinelli.

>> Yes, sir.

>> Captain: Oh, there he is.

Korwin, come in here.

Sit down, young lady.

Can you explain- >> Private First Class Korwin reporting as ordered sir.

>> Will you kindly explain why this young lady is sitting here completely recovered, and you're about to... And you're about to start an emergency furlough?

>> Recovered sir?

What was wrong with her?

>> Don't try to be funny.

>> I don't understand, Captain.

I never saw that woman before last night.

>> You never saw her before last night?

>> No.

>> Then why do you think you're getting this furlough?

>> 'Cause my wife had a baby.

>> Your wife had a baby?

>> Yes, sir.

Here's a telegram I got.

>> Captain: Well, I think I get this now.

Do you know him?

>> No, but he's cute.

>> Here's your furlough.

Take it and get out.

>> Thank you Captain.

Yes, sir.

>> Captain: And give my love to the baby.

>> Yes, sir, I will sir.

Thank you Captain.

Bye.

>> Captain: Now, young lady.

Where is everybody?

(bell ringing) Sergeant Puccinelli.

>> Yes, sir.

>> Captain: Do you realize this whole mess is still up in the air?

Korwin wasn't the man.

>> He wasn't, sir?

>> I can't understand your attitude lately.

I guess I'll have to take care of this myself.

Get me the company roster with the physical descriptions of the men.

>> Yes, sir.

>> Well, I suppose we should introduce ourselves.

I'm Helen Palmer and this is, uh, Captain Caldwell's wife.

And, who are you?

>> I'm not quite sure.

>> The Captain would like to see you.

You.

>> Me?

Oh, but I was just in there.

>> Ernie Caldwell!

What's the meaning of this?

She was introduced to me as your wife.

>> Now wait a minute.

>> What do you mean when you said you had just been in here?

>> I was just in here.

I was here last night, too.

The desk was here, there was a chair there and there was- >> Now darling, this is an Army matter.

It's not your affair.

Now young lady, what's the meaning of this?

>> Captain, I can- >> He's was- >> Sergeant Puccinelli.

>> Ernest Caldwell!

>> Can't you stay outside until this is settled?

>> If there's anything going on, I wanna know about it.

>> Then let's both get outside and I'll try to explain.

>> I don't understand.

>> But, Captain.

Oh come on Millie, let's get out of here.

>> But I still don't understand.

Why is everybody picking on me?

>> Hi ya, Cutie.

Well honey, what are you doing here?

>> Well, I was worried.

I came over here to ask Vic about you going on that shipment.

>> Oh, well don't worry.

Cutie will see that I don't go.

Come on, why don't you give up?

You can't win.

>> Puccinelli, we have something that must be settled.

>> Now just a minute, sir.

For five years this Army has been deciding things for me to do, but I'm in the driver's seat this time.

I don't wanna be a warrant officer.

I wanna go overseas.

I wanna get away from everything.

Away from all this.

>> You can't dodge an issue that easily.

Besides, you're not a private.

>> That, sir, is something else I'm deciding.

I'm busting myself.

>> You can't do that.

>> I can't, but you can do it for me.

Watch.

(punch thudding) (women screaming) >> Helen: Oh, honey.

>> Millie: Ernie, Ernie.

>> Helen: What?

>> What did you call him?

>> Ernie.

>> Did he say he was Ernie Caldwell?

>> Yes.

>> Then there is something- >> Ladies, please?

Now if you'll just wait, dear.

Is he the man you've been going steady with?

>> No, I only met him last night.

>> Last night?

>> Please miss.

>> Oh I think this whole thing is silly.

Let's get outta here.

>> Now then, Miss.

You must have gone out with another man in this company.

>> Present, sir.

>> Oh, so it's you Puccinelli.

Well, I'm going to give you exactly what you asked for.

You'll be reduced to private and shipped overseas.

>> Thank you, sir.

>> And don't think this relieves you of your responsibilities to this woman you're married to.

>> Married to me?

>> Captain: Now don't deny it.

>> Oh, but he isn't.

I'm already married, to someone else.

John Slager.

Have been since a week after I broke up with Vic.

>> Well, what have you been looking for me for?

>> Because I wanted to tell you not to come to see me tonight, like you promised four months ago.

Before John and I were married.

You won't come, will you?

>> Holy Toledo, no.

>> Oh, I'm so glad.

You see, my husband might not understand.

He's not very bright and I don't want to cause any trouble.

Oh well, goodbye and thanks so much.

(giggles) >> Forget it.

>> Don't think that this will clear you.

>> We're still busting you.

>> Okay, so I'm busted.

For once I've beaten the Army.

While all these other guys are rotting here in the States, I'll be on the other side and the Army had nothing to do with it.

I did it all myself.

(bugle music) >> What the devil is that?

>> I don't know, sir.

>> Sounds like a special call.

I'd better- >> Captain Caldwell.

Did you hear the news?

All movements, transfers and furloughs have been canceled.

>> Movements canceled?

>> Sure, the whole outfit is going overseas.

>> But darling, why didn't you- >> Sally never told me.

Ernie Caldwell.

Step into my office.

You've got a lot of explaining to do.

>> Let go of me.

>> Sarge, I just caught this man trying to sneak off the post.

>> Don't bother me, I'm out of business.

>> Sneak off the post, nothing.

I got a furlough.

I gotta see my baby.

>> Nobody don't got no furlough.

>> I have!

>> No you ain't.

>> I have!

>> No you ain't.

>> I have.

>> Quiet!

All furloughs is canceled.

>> Canceled?

>> That's right, the whole division's going overseas.

>> Overseas?

>> Come on, let's be going.

Wait a minute, you too.

>> Vic: Me too?

>> That's right, Private Punchinello.

Join your buddy.

Come on, let's be getting on the ball.

(Sergeant whistling) >> Pick it up.

>> Pick what up?

The suitcase, Private Puccinelli.

(dramatic music) Vic.

>> What?

>> I'll take it.

>> What?

>> The bag.

>> Ah, come on, I'll take it.

(flourishing orchestral music)