Welcome to Subterranean Cinema .

The perfect place to watch classic movies from your locally owned TV station, PBS Fort Wayne.

I'm your host, Kris Hensler.

And I'm Kenny Taylor, a local musician.

Kris and I have a ukulele band together called the Atomic Sharks.

That's right.

In fact, we've done an educational series called The Music Minute , and a few years ago we did a PBS special on how to play the ukulele.

So my day job is in the programing department here at the station.

So Kenny, when you're not busy being a shark, what is it that you do?

Well, I am a teacher at Sweetwater Academy of Music, and I teach guitar, mandolin, ukulele, songwriting, stuff like that.

And I also play in the Bulldogs, and we do a lot of fairs and festivals over the summer and fall.

And I also sometimes play rockabilly and punk rock at the Brass Rail.

So it sounds like you're pretty busy.

I'm pretty busy.

Thanks for stopping by.

We do appreciate that.

So when do we talk about this fabulous movie?

Well, how about now?

Let's talk about it right now.

Go for it.

This week's selection is the Elliot Nugent film, My Favorite Brunette .

This comedy was shot in 1947 and stars Bob Hope along with Dorothy Lamour.

In this film, Bob Hope plays the role of Ronnie Jackson, a children's photographer on death row in San Quentin State Prison.

The story is told in flashback from Death Row.

As Bob Hope's character, Ronnie tells a group of reporters about the events that led to his murder conviction.

It's a classic comedy set up.

Oh, and it gets even more strange than that.

While taking care of his neighbors office, who happens to be a private eye, Ronnie is asked by a baroness to find a missing baron, which initiates a series of confusing and sinister events in a gloomy mansion and a private sanatorium.

As usual, hilarity ensues, and as a nod to movie detectives and the film noir style of that era.

This film also features Lon Chaney Jr as Willy, along with Peter Lorre as Kismet, doing a comic take on his many film noir roles.

And of course, Bing Crosby shows up along the way for good measure.

This was the second of three comedies that Bob Hope made for Paramount that featured My Favorite in the title.

First was My Favorite Blonde .

This was My Favorite Brunette .

The third is My Favorite Spy .

All three paired hope with attractive female leads had fast paced plots and were peppered with cameos by major stars.

There were also three of Bob's biggest box office hits.

That is right.

So let's get out the popcorn, pour some drinks and settle in for a night at the movies with My Favorite Brunette .

You're watching Subterranean Cinema only on PBS Fort Wayne.

(soft orchestral music) (film reel rolling) (grand orchestral music) (tense orchestral music) >> Hey warden, when does he go?

>> Taking him down now.

>> Guess that pink slip ain't coming, warden.

>> Looks bad.

>> How do you think he'll take it?

>> Like a soldier, my boy.

Like a soldier.

>> Ronnie: No ketchup?

This is the worst last meal I ever had.

>> Sorry, Jackson.

Here's the warden.

>> Oh!

Sure glad to see you, warden.

So the governor came through with that stay, huh?

I knew he would.

He's a very good guy.

>> Sorry, Jackson.

No word from the governor.

>> Yeah, well, I'm sorry.

No... No word?

No word, huh?

Well, I'll know who to vote for next time.

>> Come along, Jackson.

>> Nice, cozy little nook.

Oh, so that's it, huh?

Mind if I take a look?

>> I wouldn't advise it.

>> You're getting soft, warden.

Gas.

Haven't even put in electricity.

>> Right in here, Jackson.

>> Jackson, I'm going to grant you a special privilege not often given to a man in your position.

It's what you asked for, a chance to tell your story to the newspapers, to get it off your chest.

>> Thanks, warden.

>> See you in a while, Jackson.

>> I'll be right here.

>> Oh, Mr. Jackson, I think you're wonderful.

You've really got what it takes.

>> Well, I ain't exactly a cream puff.

>> Cigarette?

>> Never mind.

>> Thanks, George.

There might be a saw in that one.

>> Oh.

Well, you've got what I call guts.

>> Well, they way I figure it- Anybody got a match?

>> Man And Woman: Here you are.

>> The way I figure it, if a guy feels in his heart he's taking a phony rap, well, it's not so tough to kick the bucket.

It's not so tough to walk that last mile.

It's just tough to light a cigarette, that's all.

>> Man 1: Say Jackson, how'd you get into this mess?

>> Was it a woman?

>> It's always a woman.

You should have seen this woman, skin like smooth satin, beautiful blue eyes, dark silken hair, the kind of a gal that'd make you want to give away your last shirt.

I borrowed this from the warden.

>> Man 1: This girl, how'd you meet her?

>> Man 2: Did she come up to your office?

>> Did you fall in love with her?

>> Wait a minute.

One at a time.

You may not know this, but I wasn't always a detective.

Before they pinned this murder rap on me, I had one of the sweetest little rackets in San Francisco.

>> A legitimate business?

>> Better than legitimate.

It was profitable.

My office was in the Trafalgar Building, just on the edge of Chinatown.

>> Oh, in Chinatown, huh?

>> No, not right in.

You know California Street from the hill at Stockton?

>> Man 1: Yeah.

>> Well, coming down the hill on the cable car, you could just see my office, third floor front.

Ronnie was the name.

Ronnie, baby photographer.

I'll never forget that day.

For two hours, I'd been trying to make that little brat smile.

I threw the book at him, every surefire trick of the trade.

(tense orchestral music) (rattling) (mumbling) (blowing) (blows raspberry) This kid's going to grow up to be a sponsor.

(chuckles) He's even wearing out the lights.

Oh, oh!

(giggling) >> Quick, snap it.

>> Watch the birdie.

Watch the birdie.

There you are.

Another masterpiece.

>> Sweetums, you're wonderful.

You're wonderful too, Mr. Jackson.

>> Well, that's because I was a kid once myself.

(laughs) (Ronnie grumbles) (blows) >> I'm just dying to see those proofs.

When will they be ready?

>> Oh, the first thing in the morning, Mrs. Fong.

>> Mrs. Fong: Good.

>> And I'm sure you're like them.

Well, goodbye, you little rascal you.

You- (grunts) Oh!

Call him off!

>> Sweetums, give Mr. Jackson back his finger.

>> Time.

Time.

Time!

>> This is awful.

>> Oh, oh, oh.

Doesn't he get meat at home?

(laughs) You happy little gourmet.

(laughs) He's sweet, though.

Let me see.

Uh-huh.

Baby photographer, a fine job for a two-fisted he-man like Ronnie Jackson.

Well, I'd promised to have pictures of the kid ready by morning, so I got to work and developed them.

It must've been about 20 minutes later or a half hour or something like that when I heard a door slam in the hallway outside.

I knew it was Sam McCloud coming back to his office from a busy day pinning the goods on a few assorted crooks and murders.

Sam McCloud, the coolest, toughest private eye in the business.

You see, I wanted to be a detective, too.

It only took brains, courage, and a gun, and I had the gun.

I'd figured out a way for Sam to hire me, so I started across the hall.

Already I could see my name in big letters: Ronnie Jackson, private eye.

What I didn't see was the small print underneath: rest in peace.

(knocks) >> Sam: Yeah, well, don't worry your pretty little head about it, baby.

I'm catching a rattler for Chi right now.

>> Hi, Sam.

>> Sam: Oh, listen, baby, it'll take more than a couple of hopped-up gunsels with itchy fingers to scare me off.

Yeah.

Yeah, we'll have to talk that over some rainy night in front of a nice warm fire.

I'll bring the matches.

Goodbye.

What's on your mind, Ronnie?

>> Matches.

Oh, I mean look, Sam.

It came today, license and everything.

Now can I be your partner?

>> I told you before, stick to watching the birdie, and you'll die of old age.

>> Oh yeah, but I was cut out for this kind of life.

All my life I wanted to be a hard-boiled detective like Humphrey Bogart or Dick Powell or even Alan Ladd.

You know, and have those beautiful women coming into the office and those warm fires on those rainy nights, that's the kind of life I want.

How about it, Sam?

(Ronnie hiccups) (chuckles) Smooth, huh?

Say, I could be a lot of help to you, Sam.

Look, here's my latest invention right here, a camera with a keyhole lens.

It takes pictures right through doors.

I've been kicked out of five hotels already.

(exhales heavily) How about it, Sam?

Can I go to work for you?

Just give me a simple yes or no.

>> No.

>> Oh, but that's too simple.

Why don't you give it a little thought?

>> I'm going to Chicago for a few days.

I'll leave the door open so you can come through and answer the phone.

(gun clicks) >> A little stiff.

(clears throat) I could go with you.

I've got a coat just like that.

I could help you out quite a bit in case you run into any keyhole work, or.... You sure there's nothing I can do for you?

>> Yeah, you can keep your nose clean.

>> That's the last chance I'll give him.

Keep my nose clean, answer the phone.

I ought to go in business for myself.

Ronnie Jackson, the private eye.

I could catch those gunned-up hopsels over a warm fire even if it wasn't raining.

I can drink as much as he can.

(chuckles) (coughs) (grunts) (blows raspberry) (whistles) Whoo.

Smooth.

(chuckles) (rolls tongue) (whistles) >> Shh.

I suppose you wonder why I am this way.

>> Oh, no.

Every girl who comes in here does that.

>> I need a detective.

Please say that you'll help me.

>> Yeah, but look, I'm just, I- >> Please, Mr. McCloud.

Please.

>> Just call me Sam.

This is my type of case.

Spill it, sister.

>> My name is Carlotta Montay.

>> Mm-hm.

>> Baroness Montay.

>> A Baroness?

(Ronnie whistles) >> I feel as though someone's watching me.

>> Yeah, that's me.

>> I arrived here three days ago on the Queen of Peru with the Baron, my husband.

>> Oh, you've got a husband, huh?

(shade unravels) >> This was taken the day we arrived.

>> Hm.

Two column cut in the San Francisco Citizen.

He must rate.

>> I'm in trouble, deep trouble.

>> What's the wheelchair for?

>> My husband is an invalid.

He hasn't been out of that wheelchair in seven years.

>> You're in trouble.

Keep talking.

>> At the dock, I went ahead.

I was gone five, 10 minutes at the most.

When I returned, he had disappeared.

>> A snatch job, huh?

Have you gone to the police?

>> No, no, no.

If I go to the police, they'll kill him.

>> Who's they?

>> That's what I want you to find out.

Look...

I have no money.

But this ring can be pawned anywhere for at least $5,000.

>> Look, sister, five grand is a lot of moolah.

You don't have- >> The ring is nothing.

We Montays are generous.

If you will just find my husband, I will be so grateful.

You will see.

>> Yeah, I'll bring the matches.

Oh, but this isn't necessary.

(buzzing) What's the matter?

>> Listen, they mustn't find me here.

>> Well, I don't hear anything.

>> Be at this address... As soon as you can.

>> Will five minutes be too soon?

(tense orchestral music) >> We're dealing with dangerous men.

Be careful.

They mustn't know you're a detective.

>> Don't worry your pretty little head about it, honey.

I'll find your husband, fool that I am.

>> Shh.

Somebody's coming.

Guard this map with your life.

>> With my life?

>> Hurry.

>> Okay.

(tense, dramatic orchestral music) (screaming) (Ronnie exclaims) >> Oh, it's you, Mabel.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Here.

There you are.

Come in the studio some night after hours and I'll take your picture when everybody's gone.

No charge.

(chuckles) Except for the negatives.

Come right in.

Prints are a dollar and a half.

Anytime.

(people chattering below) (car starts up) Aha!

Well, what are you waiting for?

You want to be a detective, don't you?

Let me see, what was that address?

Oh, the map.

My life.

Shh.

Ah.

Smooth.

(bullets clatter) (chuckles) Small bullets.

(door creaks) (soft orchestral music) Oh!

>> Ain't this your camera, Ronnie?

>> Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

>> Say, you don't have to pull no gun on me to kiss me.

Anytime.

>> Yeah.

(chuckles) Well, there I was on my own, a missing husband and a dark-eyed dreamboat up to her gorgeous lips in trouble.

What a parlay.

And oh yeah, that mysterious map, the whole thing just like you'd read it in a detective magazine.

I head my car for the address the doll gave me, and it turns out this place is practically a sleeper jump from town.

Anyway, later that afternoon, I'm driving through the gates of one of those upper bracket estates down on the peninsula.

Pretty soon, I come to another gate.

That should've been my cue to put the car in reverse.

And then I got a load of the mansion.

Oh, what a joint.

Must have been something left over from Wuthering Heights.

You know, the kind of a house that looks like you can hunt quail in the hallways?

I didn't know it then, but I was gonna be the quail.

(tense orchestral music) Beautiful day, isn't it?

(chuckles) Well maybe it isn't so beautiful.

It is day, though.

But it's late.

Sorta.

(Ronnie whistles) >> Allow me.

(doorbell chimes) >> Oh, Dr. Lundau.

Good afternoon, sir.

>> Good afternoon, Kismet.

>> Kismet: Yes?

>> Baroness Montay is expecting me.

Pronto.

>> Oh, yes.

Won't you come in?

>> Pronto.

Nice, cheerful place.

What time they bring the mummies out?

>> That's very amusing, sir.

>> Hm?

>> Madame le Baroness is in the living room.

Shall I announce you?

>> Never mind.

I'll take it from here.

>> May I help you with your overcoat?

Oh, pardon me, sir.

Your collar.

>> Yeah, I'm roughing it.

>> Kismet: Here we are.

>> Thanks, Cuddles.

>> Very amusing.

♪ To be beside you ♪ Could I ask for more ♪ Each thrill beside you >> Miss Montay?

>> Hello.

Pretty song, isn't it?

>> Yeah, it's pretty.

But you were so anxious- (soft piano music) ♪ I sigh beside you ♪ Through the winter storm ♪ For here beside you ♪ I'm forever warm ♪ I'm not stealing daydreams ♪ It isn't any crime ♪ To want to be beside you ♪ Till there's no more time >> Quick.

Quick!

First I must know this.

Are you a man who is afraid of danger?

>> No, you can get as close as you like.

Baby, we're in this together.

I'm with you till my dying breath.

>> Please, you mustn't.

>> Yeah.

I better not leave any fingerprints.

>> Listen closely.

My uncle, Baron Montay, came to this country- >> Uh, your uncle?

>> Yes.

>> But I thought you said the guy was your husband.

>> Well, I...

I had to have your help.

I know men.

Somehow they always seem to be more interested in the problems of young wives with older husbands.

>> Oh, no.

It just seems that way to you.

>> Please listen.

>> Mm-hm?

>> My uncle came to this country on a very important mission, so important that he wouldn't tell anyone about it, not even me.

>> Hm, your uncle, huh?

So he's not your husband.

Well, did I quote you any rates?

I may work cheaper, you know?

>> Please, not now.

>> Too fast, huh?

Okay.

Tell me, did your, uh, uncle have any enemies?

>> Not that I know of.

>> Uh-huh.

And how about this house?

Who lives here?

>> It belongs to a Major Simon Montague.

He was the former business partner of the Baron's.

When my uncle disappeared, I, I was frantic.

So I called Major Montague, and he offered to help me.

>> Mm-hm.

And what do you know about him?

>> My uncle trusted him implicitly.

And still, he treats me like a child, tells me not to worry, says that he's handling things.

And all the time, I feel as though I'm being watched.

And he's been so sweet and kind ever since my arrival.

>> Getting kind of dark in here, isn't it?

>> Oh!

>> We were just talking about you.

>> Something flattering, I hope.

(laughs) Maybe I should have listened a minute.

If there's anything warms my heart, it's finding out people like me as much as I like them.

I don't believe I've had the honor, sir.

>> Oh, Mr. Craig.

>> Oh, hi, Mr. Craig.

Glad to see you, I'm- >> What?

I thought your name was Craig?

>> Yeah, I'm Craig, too.

That's quite a coincidence, I- >> This is Major Montague.

I met Mr. Craig on shipboard.

>> I'm still a little seasick.

>> Well, it's a pleasure knowing you, son.

Anything I can do for you while you're in the country, you just speak up.

>> Oh, thank you, sir.

(chuckLes) >> Will you have a cigar?

>> No, thanks.

I'm driving, I... >> Craig.

Craig... Now, where have I heard that name before?

>> Madam.

There's a phone call for you.

>> Carlotta: Please take the message.

>> After all, Carlotta, it may be important.

>> Yes, you're quite right.

Excuse me, Mr. Craig.

>> All right, sir.

Now we'll quit playing possum.

>> Yeah.

>> How do you do, Mr. McCloud?

>> Well, how are- Oh, Craig is the name.

Elliott Craig.

I was, I was on the shipboard... Oh.

Oh, you know that... >> You're a private detective.

>> Oh, yeah.

Yes, yes.

Sam.

Just call me Sam.

>> And just to show you my heart's in the right place, I'm going to help you do a little detecting.

>> Okay.

>> This way, son.

>> Coming, Dad.

>> I may have a little surprise for you.

Will you pardon us, gentlemen?

>> Certainly.

>> This is Mr. McCloud.

Mr. McCloud, I'd like you to meet- >> The man in the picture, Baron Montay.

>> How do you do?

>> Yeah, but she, she said you'd been snatched.

>> You have my word for it, young man.

I'm not a mirage.

>> Yeah, but she told me.

She seemed so...

I don't get it.

>> Such a lovely girl, the very flower of young womanhood too.

Perhaps Dr. Lundau can tell you about her.

I believe you've met the doctor.

>> Oh, yes.

We had a long talk outside.

>> Beautiful day, isn't it?

>> I said that.

>> Well, Mr. McCloud, as you perhaps know, it is not the habit of a psychiatrist to put on display the skeletons in anyone's family closet.

However, I believe you are entitled to an explanation of the strange behavior of Baron Montay's wife.

>> Wife?

>> But she just told me she was his niece.

(Montague chuckles) >> Last week she was his little sister.

>> It is not funny, Major.

For the past six months, Miss Montay has been suffering from an acute form of schizophrenia, accompanied by visual apparitions and increasingly severe paranoic delusions.

>> Mm-hm.

And how is she mentally?

>> Our friend Mr. McCloud is a Harvard man.

>> I am not.

Fairmount High.

Cleveland.

(Dr. Lundau clears throat) >> Won't you sit here, please?

>> Ronnie: Mm-hm.

>> I'll, uh, I'll try to simplify the case.

>> Oh, well, make it easy on yourself.

I handle all these, I... >> Miss Montay has an obsession that her own life is in danger.

And she believes that her uncle, the Baron here, has been kidnapped.

>> Well, gee, I...

I mean, why don't you bring her in here and show her the Baron?

>> Yeah?

>> Yeah, that's what I'd do.

I'd, I'd... >> No, no, senor.

>> It would be too severe a mental shock.

>> It would?

>> My idea is to break down her fear with suggestive therapy.

>> Mm.

Well, does she snap her cap very often?

I mean, when you invite company for dinner, do you take away her knife and fork?

>> She's only dangerous if she's emotionally disturbed.

>> You must have come across many similar cases in your business, Mr. McCloud.

>> Did you?

Oh, oh me?

Oh, sure, sure.

I could take those schizos or leave them alone, and usually I leave them alone.

I figure that, well... Well, I must get back to the office and file some fingernails, I mean fingerprints.

See you then.

>> You know, my heart goes out to that poor, unfortunate girl.

Her mind is all mixed up.

It's downright pitiful.

I suppose she even said something about a map, huh?

>> Map?

Yeah, she even gave me one to hold for her.

Mysterious map, missing uncle.

Pretty corny.

You know, there was something about the way she looked that made me suspicious.

But the way she looked, I didn't care.

>> But you kept the map?

>> Oh, sure.

Why not?

She may not have it up here, but hubba-hubba.

(door closes) >> Carlotta: Thank you, Kismet.

>> Now, you watch yourself, son.

Oh, come in, Carlotta dear.

>> Nutty as a fruitcake and with all that beautiful frosting.

>> I was just saying to your friend, Mr. Craig, that any time he's in the neighborhood, he should feel free to drop in and have a julep with us.

(chuckles) You all will excuse me.

>> Oh, don't go, Major.

You know the old saying, three's company, and two's a crowd.

(Montague chuckles) >> You take care of yourself, son.

>> Yeah.

Well, here we are, alone at last.

Goodbye.

>> Do you know who that phone call was from?

>> Napoleon?

>> Shh.

>> Ronnie: Uh-oh, her schizo is about to phrenia.

Why did I get up today?

>> I just spoke to my uncle.

>> That's funny, so did I.

Who?

>> My uncle, Baron Montay.

He told me not to worry.

But I'm terribly disturbed.

>> Emotionally?

>> Yes.

He said he was safe.

>> Oh, he's safe, all right.

I mean, he's safe all right- >> But he's not safe.

I know he isn't.

>> No, no.

He's in a terrible spot.

>> But I feel he's in great danger.

>> Yes, yes.

He's in great danger.

Yeah, but he's safe, all right.

He's safe.

I sound like an umpire.

>> Don't you see?

Someone forced him to make that call, someone who wants me to believe that nothing is wrong.

Oh, Mr. McCloud, I don't know what to do.

I'm at my wit's end.

>> Yeah, I passed there an hour ago.

>> What's the matter with you?

>> Who me?

(chuckles) Here, sister.

You better take the ring back.

>> But...

But Mr. McCloud.

Sam.

You wouldn't desert me.

Not now.

>> No, no.

I just remembered, I got a date with J. Edgar Hoover.

Kid never makes a move without me.

I just uh- >> But Sam, you said we were in this thing together.

You said you'd stick with me till your dying breath.

>> Yeah, and I'm getting too close to it.

Now, don't get upset, Miss Montay.

You just listen to the Major.

He's a very fine man.

And he...

He likes you.

>> Oh, so they've been talking to you?

They've been telling you things.

>> Oh, you're crazy.

I mean, you're being silly.

Nobody's been talking to me.

I haven't even been talking to myself.

>> Oh, yes they have.

They told you something.

And you believe them.

>> Oh, no.

No, I'm, I'm on your side.

>> Oh.

So now I know who's at the bottom of all this.

Major Simon Montague.

>> Oh, oh!

No, no.

We're in this together, baby.

>> Please don't believe them, Sam.

>> Huh?

>> Please say you'll help me.

Please.

Please, baby.

>> Huh?

>> Do it for mama.

>> Mama knows best.

>> Darling, promise me you'll guard the map with your life.

>> Yeah, the map, I... Map?

The map.

Yeah.

Here, let me take this.

Oh.

(chuckles) You can open the mailman later.

Gee, gee, ooh, 6 o'clock already.

Well, I... Well, so long.

Well, I got out of the house and was just starting for my car when I realized me and my Gat had parted company, holster and all.

I figured Little Miss Screwball must have lifted it when she kissed me.

I started to go back for it, but I changed my mind.

I spot a high window around the corner of the house and decide to climb up and take a gander.

I figure the only way to get the inside dope is from the outside... Dope.

So I scamper up the hill in about three jumps like any other goat, and take a sneak peak.

And what do you know?

The guy who told me he couldn't walk is out of his wheelchair and sashaying around chipper as a jaybird.

Then I knew Carlotta wasn't nuts.

I get out my brownie, and I'm all set to snap exhibit A, when laughing boy gets out of his chair and starts for the window.

I figure he sees me.

But no, he pulls up the shade, right in my kisser, like it was Ladies Night in a Turkish bath.

I'm stymied, but only for a second.

The keyhole!

Here's where my gadget pays off, the greatest invention since the Albany night boat.

This will do it, I says.

Next stop, rogues' gallery.

(tense orchestral music) Ah, now, watch the birdie.

Click.

(knife thuds) Oh, Carlotta.

What am I saying?

(tense orchestral music) Uh-oh!

>> He saw the Baron.

He took a picture.

>> A picture?

Get the camera before I take the hide off you.

>> All right.

(car starts up) >> There he goes!

(tense orchestral music) >> Tony!

Close the gates.

Both gates.

(tense, dramatic orchestral music) (crashing) (tires skid) (tense, dramatic orchestral music) >> Step on it, Tony.

Step on it.

(tense, dramatic orchestral music) Come on!

Take the shortcut, head him off!

(tense, dramatic orchestral music) (tires skidding) >> Too fast for 'em.

(kisses) Hot rod.

>> Lost him.

Must have taken the other road.

Turn around.

(tense orchestral music) (car horn honking) >> Hey, you big road hog!

Why do you- Oh!

Oh!

(gunshots) (tense, dramatic orchestral music) (tires skidding) (gunshot) (gunshot) (tire squeals) (tense, dramatic orchestral music) (clattering) (tense, dramatic orchestral music) (knocking) >> Hello, honey, this is Joe.

Hello, honey, this is Joe.

Hello, honey, this is Joe.

>> Woman 1: Come on up, Joe.

Where have you been?

>> Woman 2: I've been waiting, honey.

>> Woman 3: It's about time, Joe.

>> Woman 4: Come on up, Joe.

>> Woman 5: Come on up, honey.

>> That Joe, what a man he must be.

>> Woman 6: I've been waiting for you, Joe.

(banging) >> Don't let them in.

They're from the finance company.

>> Woman 6: Come on up, honey.

>> I must remember this address.

(water splashes) >> Man: That'll cool you off, Joe.

>> Oh!

(tense, dramatic orchestral music) (soft orchestral music) Aha!

Didn't think you'd do it after that bath we had, you doll, you.

(kisses) We both came through like men.

Well, hello, operator?

Get me the state police.

Yeah, I'll hang on.

(hits) (Ronnie whistles) (sighs) Plenty rugged.

Smooth, though.

>> Cuddles, huh?

Operator?

(phone clicks) Operator, never mind that call.

(match lights) Very thoughtful of you to include the negative.

(tense orchestral music) >> Ronnie: When I came to, I was playing post office with the floor.

I had a lump on my head the size of my head.

Inside, Toscanini was conducting The Anvil Chorus with real blacksmiths.

I looked at the bottle of old pile driver and decided to stick to double malts.

(knocking) Then those kids with the hammers started pounding again, but the thumping wasn't in my head.

It was somebody knocking on the door, and it wasn't McCloud's door.

It was my door, my door in the other room.

>> Oh, it's you.

>> Yes, here I am, Mr. Jackson.

>> Shh.

My head's- >> How did they come out?

>> Yanks four, Cleveland seven.

>> Now, Mr. Jackson, a man of your responsibility shouldn't drink.

>> Well, who's drinking, I... Oh, that.

That's a bottle of bean bopper.

>> I want my baby's picture.

>> Yeah.

Picture?

Oh.

(snaps fingers) Wait a minute.

>> Where are you going?

>> Just a second.

>> Mr. Jackson.

>> Wait.

>> Mr. Jackson.

>> Aha!

They got it.

It's gone.

>> It's gone?

>> Let me see.

I had it in here, and I took it in there.

>> Oh, this would have to happen to Sweetums.

>> No, no, look, Mrs. Fong, it's not your baby's picture.

Here's the negative of that.

Have it, have it devel...

Printed someplace else, please.

>> Someplace else?

>> Yeah, I'm out of business.

>> Mr. Jackson.

>> I'm retired.

Remember that if you have another baby, please.

(knocking) Quiet, I'm thinking.

Boy, I've got things to do.

Yes, sir, important things to do.

(chuckles) What have I got to do?

I... Carlotta!

Hey, there he is.

That's the fella.

Get him.

Watch him.

He's one of the gang.

All right, what'd you do with the Baron?

Come clean, you gunzo.

We mean business.

Don't we, fellas?

>> I beg your pardon?

What's going on here?

>> Don't try to look so innocent with those blue point eyes.

Watch him, he's got a knife.

>> Have you got a knife?

>> Sure, I've got a knife.

I'm the gardener.

>> Uh-huh.

What'd you think I was last night, a chrysanthemum?

He tried to prune me.

>> Hold it, bud.

Is there anyone living here by the name of uh... >> Carlotta Montay.

>> Carlotta Montay?

>> Who's Carlotta Montay?

>> You know who she is.

She's staying here with Major Montague.

>> Who's Major Montague?

>> Look, this house belongs to the George Krandels.

They've been in South America for four months.

>> Six months.

>> Yeah, then he's subletting.

>> You mind if we take a look inside?

>> No.

Please come along.

Pardon me.

This way.

>> I'll show you.

They're probably all hiding in here.

Stick with me.

Hey.

Hey, what's this?

>> Sergeant: Looks like nobody home.

>> Nothing personal about that, I hope.

>> What do you think, Sarge?

>> I think a rebuke is in order.

>> Oh, now wait a minute.

Don't get your badges in an uproar.

You got this all wrong.

They fixed my car, they fixed the gate.

They fixed everything.

That's their racket.

They're trying to make people think everybody's crazy.

>> Yeah, but with you, they had a head start.

>> Oh no, wait a minute.

You've got to listen to me.

You've got to trust me, fellas.

This is the biggest frame-up since Whistler's Mother.

I... >> Thank you.

>> Ronnie: Wait a minute.

>> Now, keep moving.

You got a long drive back to town.

>> Yeah, well, let me tell you something.

>> What?

>> I like long drives.

>> Get goin' >> Okay.

>> And if you bother us again, I'll personally punch you in the nose so hard, it'll look like other people's noses.

>> Yeah, well, it might be worth it.

(car starts up) >> Sorry we bothered you.

>> You're not a bad guy for a foreigner.

>> Oh, but I'm going to be a citizen.

I'm studying for my examination.

Oh, by the way, could you gentlemen tell me, who was the eighth president of the United States?

>> So long, bud.

(soft orchestral music) (tense orchestral music) >> He's going around to the back.

>> Well, you know what to do.

>> Sure, I know what to do.

>> Not that, you fool.

Why did he come back?

Why does he want to search the house?

>> He's looking for clues.

>> Clues, huh?

(chuckles) He wants a clue to call out his whereabouts.

See that he finds one.

This one.

>> Find one.

(chuckles) (soft orchestral music) >> It always looks so easy in those Tarzan pictures.

(soft orchestral music) (soft, tense orchestral music) Aha!

Eureka.

Her ring.

(tense orchestral music) Seacliffe Lodge.

So that's where she is.

Oh.

Never leave a clue.

(lighter clicking) (blows) Here.

Ah!

(soft, tense orchestral music) Well, I knew where the doll was, my next move was to find her, so I get back into my hot rod special and start out.

About an hour later, I spot a sign, Seacliffe Lodge.

So I go in to locate the girl, pretending I'm just another guest looking for a little quiet relaxation.

The place is just what I figured, a ritzy summer resort, complete with golf course.

Hey, pardon me.

How do you get to the lodge from here?

>> The lodge?

That's where I live.

Straight ahead.

You can't miss it.

>> Oh.

Hey, pardon me.

Did you notice if a good-looking dark-haired girl checked in there last night?

>> Shh.

Can't talk.

Care to play these last three holes?

It'll take you right there.

>> Oh, okay, but how about my car?

>> They'll send for it.

>> Oh.

>> Crawford's the name.

Oliver J. Crawford.

>> Well, mine's uh, Smithers.

>> Nine iron.

Care to shoot first?

>> Okay.

Say, this girl last night, did you notice if she was alone?

>> Shh.

Care to make a small wager, dollar a hole?

>> All right.

Say, did you notice if she had a... >> Now, hit a full nine.

There's water down there.

>> Okay.

Missed it.

(chuckles) Cup must have moved on me.

>> Oh, I feel like a pretty good round today myself.

>> You do?

>> Oh!

Lucky I got over those traps.

>> I didn't see it.

>> Right in the cup!

I'll concede that.

>> Thanks.

For a minute there, I didn't think you had a ball.

>> Tough luck, old boy.

You're one down.

>> Where's your ball?

>> Right here.

>> Nice lie.

>> Right on the green.

>> Yeah, I can't even see the green.

>> I can.

Oh, say Smithers.

>> Huh?

>> How about that buck you owe me?

>> I owe you?

>> A dollar a hole.

>> Uh-huh.

Nice racket you got.

>> Thanks.

George Washington!

>> Where?

>> He's staying here, you know.

>> Oh!

>> Got the room next to mine.

>> Uh-huh.

>> Keeps me up all night long playing Yankee Doodle on his fife, off key.

>> Why don't you tell Petrillo about it?

>> Hey, you.

Hurry up.

Quick, grab them.

There they go.

>> Oh, I'm looking for you, chummy.

We're gonna see the doctor.

>> Doctor?

Sanitarium?

Oh, no.

You got me wrong.

I'm not crazy.

>> Oh, I know.

I know.

Here.

Maybe you'd like some walnuts, huh?

>> Walnuts?

Why don't you grab those nuts?

They're strudelling the noodle.

>> Oh, I want you.

>> Yeah, but I'm okay.

I'm sane.

I'll prove it to you.

Watch this coordination.

It's the wrong hand, it's... Well, I'll practice a little and see you later.

>> Hey, come on.

>> Easy, that's my pinball hand.

>> We gonna see the doctor.

>> It's no use, bud.

I'm not going with ya.

Oh-oh!

Let's see the doctor.

Doctor!

Ah, ah.

Watch out, or you'll never get that down again.

Oh, that's better.

There's a part missing.

A thing like this could be permanent.

Oh, Cuddles.

>> Hello.

>> Do they have bellhops here?

>> Welcome to Seacliffe Lodge.

>> Yes uh- Calisthenics?

Oh, hey.

Oh, steady.

>> The map.

Where's the map?

You didn't bring it with you.

That's very bad.

>> Now look, I didn't expect to see you here.

Get me out of this angle, get- >> Very bad.

>> Trying to choke somebody?

Look, I don't know what's going on here, and I'm not scared, see.

>> Willie: You got company, ma'am.

>> Carlotta!

>> Sam.

Oh, Sam.

I'm sorry.

>> Oh, that's all right, baby.

>> Oh, why did I have to go and do this?

Now I've got you into this mess, too.

Oh.

Oh, Sam.

>> Oh, now, wait a minute.

Don't go feminine on me.

>> All right.

>> Don't go masculine either.

>> Well.

>> Oh, I didn't know this was going to be formal.

>> Oh, I'll be right with you, boss.

>> Come over here and sit down, son.

You and I are going to have a little talk.

>> Yeah, I'll do the talking, you do the sittin'.

(laughs) >> I'll do the talking.

>> I'll do the sittin'?

>> The map, Kismet.

>> Didn't have it on him, Simon.

>> No?

>> No.

>> Hm.

That kind of changes things, don't it?

>> Yes, it does change things.

>> Sam, boy, recently, I offered to buy from Baron Montay the mineral rights to the section of his land.

Unfortunately, the Baron turned my offer down.

He came to this country to make a deal with somebody else.

>> Who is this someone else, and what kind of mineral rights?

>> You're getting too inquisitive, son, and that ain't healthy.

>> Now, uh, maybe little Carlotta here is beginning to see the light.

You know, I'm very fond of you, Carlotta, and I don't like to see you holding out on me.

>> Lay off of her, you phony.

You... You all.

It's a good thing you're here, or I'd be brutal.

>> Carlotta.

>> Uncle Stefan.

Are you all right?

>> Yes, child.

They haven't harmed me.

>> Hey, is that your uncle?

He looks just like the guy in the picture I took.

>> You should have held onto it, son.

That picture might have spoiled everything for us.

>> Light, please, Carlotta.

>> Oh, Simon, if you don't mind, I, I'd like to acquaint the Baron with a few basic facts.

You see, Monsieur le Baron, we have you, we have your niece and uh, having Mr. McCloud, we have the map.

>> Not yet, you haven't.

>> Yes, but before the chrysanthemum blooms, we will have it.

>> Please put this away, yes?

>> Come here, Willie.

Now, let's stop fooling around, son.

I want that map, and I want it now.

>> What you want and what you're going to get are two different things.

I'm not the giving kind.

Now you're not- (thudding) Oh!

(thudding) I- Oh!

>> Temper, Kismet, temper.

Don't be so rough with Sam.

>> He can take it.

>> The poor boy's dazed.

He don't know what's going on.

(slapping) >> Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

I didn't mean to get so fresh.

I, I... Oh, it's you?

Oh.

>> Montague: Now, where's the map, son?

>> Oh, is that what you want?

Well, why didn't you say so?

You don't have to get it the hard way.

>> Sam, don't.

>> Oh, what's the use?

They'll beat it out of us anyway.

We might as well tell 'em.

>> Go on, chummy.

You tell 'em.

>> All right, I hid the map in a water cooler in my office.

>> Oh, he's lying.

I've searched his office.

>> No, you looked in the wrong water cooler.

The one I mean is in... >> Sam.

>> Huh?

>> We might as well tell them the truth.

You'll find the map in a water cooler at the ferry building.

>> Yeah.

Yeah, the ferry building.

In a water cooler by the news stand, third cup from the top.

>> We'll find out.

Tony?

>> Should take you about three hours to get to that ferry building and back.

Get going, son.

Doctor?

Better register them as patients.

In case they should happen to meet with an accident, usual papers will be filled out.

You see, if Tony doesn't happen to find that map... (soft, tense orchestral music) >> James Collins?

(soft orchestral music) (knocks) Sam?

Sam, can you hear me?

>> What's up, baby?

>> That cigarette you saw me take from my uncle, there was a message in it from him.

We've two hours to get out of here.

>> Oh, we've got nothing to worry about till Tony gets back.

You know, they took all my clothes.

>> Carlotta: Mine too.

>> They did?

Oh, they did, huh?

(doorknob jingles) Say, have you got a hair pin?

>> Sam, this is no time to be thinking about your looks.

Here.

>> Oh, good.

Say, how'd you know about that cigarette?

>> Oh, my uncle never smokes, so when he asked me for a light, I...

He wants us to get in touch with a James Collins, Engineering Facts Corporation.

>> Uh-huh.

I've seen this done 1,000 times.

Who is this James Collins?

>> I don't know, but we've got to find him.

>> It's always so simple.

You just put the hairpin in the lock, give it a quick twist, and- Well, come on in.

Get up.

We can play jacks later.

Come on.

(cart clattering) Uh-oh.

Quick, vanish.

Quick.

(tense orchestral music) Oh, it's you.

Okay, take me away.

>> Uh, I brung you some grub.

I fixed it all myself.

>> Well, I haven't got much of an appetite.

If I could take a long walk- >> Oh, them there guys wouldn't let you.

>> Oh.

>> You know, chummy, I like you.

>> Yeah, well, you got a funny way of showing it.

I'm still trying to get the corpuscles to move back in.

>> Oh, I'm sorry.

>> You just don't know your own strength.

You know, Willie, I like you too.

>> You do?

>> Yes, sir.

What a physique.

Boulder Dam with legs.

And look at those shoulders, and that arm.

Mm, like a sack of doorknobs.

(Willie chuckles) Oh!

Recess, recess, recess.

You!

(Willie grunts) I'm just kidding.

(chuckles) >> Hey, chummy, do you care if I feel your muscle too?

>> No.

Go ahead.

Look around.

It's there someplace.

>> Oh, there it is.

>> That's it.

>> It's just like a woman.

>> Ye... Easy, easy!

Easy.

Everything you touch turns to rigor mortis.

You know, Willie, with your strength, I'll bet you could take that radiator and just pull it out by the roots and play it like an accordion, huh?

Wouldn't that be fun?

Or you could even take those bars and just bend them apart, huh?

>> Oh, I don't like to brag.

>> Oh, well, go ahead and brag.

(Willie chuckles) >> All right.

>> Oh, that's great, Willie.

Gee, you're strong.

>> You want, I should tear out the radiator?

>> Oh, no, no.

That's okay.

Oh, you've done enough.

You're wonderful.

Oh, you're salad spinach.

You're great.

I'll buy you rabbit later.

Thanks very much.

>> Oh, I'll be seeing you, chummy.

>> Thanks.

Huh?

N... No.

>> You gotta be neat, you know.

>> Yeah.

Yeah.

You... (door closes) (Robbie grunting) Willie?

Did you hear that?

>> Yeah.

>> Big detective outsmarted by an imbecile.

>> We've got to get out of here.

In two hours, they'll- >> Yeah, we're caught like rats in a trap.

Well, at least for a boy rat and a girl rat... (cart clattering) >> Here's your dinner.

>> Thank you.

>> All right.

(nurse screams) No use struggling.

(thuds) (body thuds) See?

I told you there was no use struggling.

Come on.

>> No, get the keys.

>> What?

>> I'll be your nurse, patient.

>> Oh, great.

>> Here's where I get some new clothes.

>> We'd better split up when we get downstairs.

Meet me in my car.

You can't miss it.

It's a gray convertible job with a horn that goes dah-dah-dah-dah.

It's a conservative model.

>> Yes, but suppose they took the keys?

>> Don't need 'em.

There's a trick you can do with the wires.

Shh.

Shh.

(gasps) >> Somebody's coming.

>> Act like a nurse.

>> Act like a patient.

>> Yeah.

(Robbie giggling) >> There, there.

>> Oh, nurse.

Phenobarbital.

>> Triplicate in the third.

Dee-doo!

(Robbie hums) I think I do this too well.

Come on.

>> Oh!

>> Oh.

Wait a minute.

Wait.

Let's see what's in here.

>> Yeah.

>> There's nothing here but this mangy old piece of moth bait.

>> That's mine.

>> Yours?

Oh, it's pretty, isn't it?

We can't use this.

Come on.

When we get to the door, we'll make a break for it.

>> Hiya, stranger.

>> Shh.

>> How do you do, my dear?

>> Shh.

>> Going around with a pretty nurse, I see.

You'll be getting out of here in no time.

See ya.

>> Yeah.

He's one of us.

>> How many branches does our government consist of?

Our government consists of three branches.

What are the three branches of our government?

The three branches of our government are, huh?

The legislative, the executive, and the judicial.

>> Willie: Oh.

>> What does the legislative branch of our government do?

Hm?

Huh?

It makes the laws.

What does the executive branch of our government do?

It carries out the laws.

>> Sneaking out, stranger?

>> Oh, oh!

>> Oh, it's you.

>> Oh, oh, no, no.

>> Practicing again?

>> No, wait, wait.

Don't leave me.

>> How delightful!

(thuds) >> Oh!

>> Wonderful!

>> Oh!

Wait a minute.

Take it easy, Cuddles.

>> Cuddles, huh?

>> Look, I was just, I was just... (thuds) >> Marvelous.

(claps) >> Come here, you coward.

Look, you can get in trouble if you- (thuds) Oh!

Why, you dirty rat.

Oh.

Oh, nothing personal.

I was just, come here.

Come here.

Where are you?

Hey, ooh.

>> You- >> Temper.

(Kismet grumbles) >> Why, you stupid- (Kismet grumbles) Come on, let's... Hey, Willie, you go that way.

>> Hey, I don't see 'em.

>> Fan out, Willie.

Let's search the woods.

Fan out.

(Carlotta gasps) >> Shh.

Friend.

>> Oh.

How'd you get rid of 'em?

>> You just couldn't stand the details, baby.

I just hope I didn't slug 'em too hard.

It's a good thing we're downhill.

>> Yeah.

>> I'll release the brake.

>> What are you doing now?

>> I'll show you that trick with the wires.

You don't need a key.

It's great.

(horn honking) (engine revving) What a time to hit the jackpot.

(horn honking) (gunfire) Hey!

(tires skid) (horn honking) (gunshot) (horn honking) >> You do better with your knives.

>> Shut up.

>> What happened?

Hey, I'm driving!

(chuckles) I'll take it through here.

It gets a little rough.

>> Thanks.

As soon as we get to the city, we'll call Mr. Collins.

Or better yet, we'll go to your office and get the map.

And then we'll go- >> Hold it, hold it.

>> What's the matter?

>> I got news for you, Miss Montay.

I'm bowing out.

>> But Sam, you can't.

>> I'm forcing myself.

This kind of life is too rich for my blood, the little I got left.

I'll get you the map, and then we'll call it quits.

>> Tell me, Mr. McCloud, are you always afraid of old men with phony Southern accents?

>> Wait a minute, what do I owe you?

All I know is you came into my office with a phony story and a ring, and now I ain't got the ring, and I'm stuck with the story.

>> Put this top up.

It's going to rain.

>> It never rains at this time of the year.

(thunder rumbles) (rain pattering) Orange juice.

There you are.

>> Ronnie Jackson, photographer for babies?

>> Yeah, that's me.

>> Well, where's Sam McCloud?

>> He's out of town, which is a tough break for all of us except him.

>> So you've been playing detective.

>> Yeah, and I'm through playing, sister.

The last 24 hours, I've been knocked out, shot at, beaten up, knocked out again, and put through the ringer.

And if I'm still alive, it's only because the insurance company doesn't want to give up.

They're afraid it would break 'em.

Here.

Here's your map, Miss Montay.

The right water cooler, but the wrong office.

Goodbye.

>> All right.

Goodbye, Sam.

I mean... Mr. Jackson.

>> Goodbye.

And I don't mean see you later.

So long, sister.

(soft orchestral music) (Carlotta sneezing) Wait a minute.

You can't go out like that.

You're soaked to the skin.

>> I'll manage.

(coughs) >> Oh, steady.

Why do women always act like women?

Here.

Here are a few things.

>> Whose things?

>> Mine.

Pick out what you need.

The ones with the lace are still at the laundry.

>> Well, may I change- >> No, it's my room.

Over here, behind the screen.

>> If you're not a detective, you act like one.

>> Well, I ain't exactly a cream puff, sister.

A guy could use water wings in this business.

>> Carlotta: Oh, Ronnie?

>> Ronnie: Yeah?

>> Carlotta: I just wanted you to know, I'm not really angry with you.

>> Ronnie: Why not?

>> I'm very grateful for all you've done for me.

Even if you were Sam McCloud, you couldn't have accomplished more.

>> Look, don't red apple me.

From now on, I'm going to stick to watch the birdie and leave the chicks alone.

>> Ronnie?

>> Ronnie: Yeah?

>> I think you're a very brave man.

>> I know a sniveling coward when I see one.

Hiya, Sniv.

>> But I've no one else to turn to.

Won't you help me?

>> No.

>> Please?

>> Oh, no, you don't.

What kind of a sucker do you take me for?

Just because you're a girl and I'm a boy, and you're throwing those big blue eyes at me and you're letting me put my arms around you, and you let me hold you close, even closer, you think you can get me to do anything you want.

What do you want, baby?

>> Darling, the first thing we've got to do- >> We're doing it.

>> We've got to find James Collins.

>> Collins.

Yeah.

No.

No, we've got to get out of here.

This is the first place those characters will look.

I don't want that Cuddles playing mumbly-peg on my throat.

Take those off.

>> What?

>> No, I mean, put this on.

>> Oh.

Yeah, I better roll this up first.

>> Where's my hat?

(knocking) Shh.

(knocking) Oh, it's you, Mrs. Fong.

>> Mr. Jackson, stop pushing me.

>> I'm sorry.

Hurry.

>> Mr. Jackson.

>> Mm-hm?

>> I'm very disappointed in you.

>> I know.

>> You take a picture of Sonny smiling for the first time in his life, and then you gave me the wrong- >> Yeah, well, don't worry about a thing, Mrs. Fong.

I'll give you your money back.

Hurry.

>> But I don't want my money back.

I want a picture of Sonny smiling for the first time in his life.

>> Yeah, I know.

Shh.

(elevator whirring) Here they come.

Hurry.

Hurry up.

Come on.

Let's go while we're still here.

Don't worry about a thing.

I'll send you a check.

>> But you gave me the wrong negative.

(tense, dramatic orchestral music) >> Ronnie: Well our next move is to contact Mr. James Collins.

His secretary said he had a date that night at a spot called the Poulet d'or.

From here in, we had no worries.

Montague and his cute little playmates, they were washed up, through, lost in the shuffle.

Well, Poulet d'or was our next stop, but we didn't look exactly like cafe society, so I blew the bankroll, a rented tuxedo for myself and an evening gown for Carlotta.

Boy, did she stack up.

Well, I guess you only get out of a thing what you put into it.

An hour later, we were at the Poulet d'or, one of those real swanky cafes where they eat mink for breakfast.

(people chattering) >> Just a moment.

>> Mr. Whiteville has been waiting.

>> Mr. Collins' table.

He's expecting us.

>> Oh, yes.

Mr. Collins?

He's right there by the window.

>> Oh, yes.

Yes, there he is.

>> George.

>> This way, please.

>> Just a minute, bud.

Look, here's a fin.

Tell that blonde at that table over there she's wanted on the phone.

Pronto.

>> Certainly, sir.

>> Let's move in.

>> Pardon me, sir.

You're wanted on the telephone, Miss.

>> If you'll excuse me.

>> Oh, Mr. Collins?

We'd like to speak to you for a minute.

>> I don't believe I've had the- >> Sit down.

Start talking, baby.

>> My name is Carlotta Montay.

My uncle is Baron Montay.

>> Baron Montay?

I don't think I've ever- >> My uncle told us to get in touch with you.

>> I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong man.

Waiter, my check, please.

>> Does this map mean anything to you?

>> Where is the Baron?

(phone clicking) >> Henry.

The waiter said you had a phone call for me.

>> I will check it for you, madam.

>> The Baron had an important appointment this Wednesday afternoon in Washington.

>> Washington?

>> In his office at the Pilgrim Hotel.

>> Pilgrim Hotel?

>> Someone must keep that appointment.

>> Someone will, but it won't be the right Baron Montay.

>> Right.

Our first move is to get the local police.

>> That's it.

>> No, you stay here, Miss Montay.

>> Yeah, you stay here.

>> These men are killers.

>> Yeah, then I'll stay here, too.

>> No, come on.

>> Oh, okay.

Okay.

>> If we're not back in 45 minutes, call the police.

>> All of 'em.

Check.

The 10th precinct police station's the closest.

>> Good.

We'll call from there.

But the sooner we get this into the hands of the FBI, the better.

>> FBI?

>> Baron Montay's appointment in Washington Wednesday was with the State Department.

(Ronnie whistles) >> Boy, this thing is dynamite.

Look, Mr. Collins, just how do you figure in this deal?

>> I'm a geologist.

I work with Baron Montay in San Dimas.

In fact, I drew up this map for him.

It shows the location of a great deposit of cryolite.

>> Well, I don't see anything.

>> It's in code.

>> Oh.

>> Yesterday morning, I got a phone call, a voice exactly like Baron Montay's.

Whoever it was said that there had been a change in plans, that the land was no longer for sale.

Do you realize what that means?

>> Well, not exactly.

>> It means that somebody, some other government perhaps, is after that cryolite.

>> Mm-hm.

Cryolite, huh?

Well, we can't let 'em get it.

What's cryolite?

>> Cryolite is an ore containing cryptobar.

>> Cryptobar?

Oh, well, we can't let 'em get that.

Wh... What's cryptobar?

>> A source of uranium.

>> Yeah, and what's...

Uranium!

Oh, well, now I got you.

I read Buck Rogers too, you know.

Uranium.

(gunshot) (claps) Huh.

Must be that right front.

Come on.

You know, I had a hunch this thing was much bigger than it looked.

That's funny, it's okay.

Come on.

Hey.

Hey, Mr. Collins, we're here.

Co- Mr. Collins?

Mi-Mister... What?

Oh, blood.

And it ain't mine, it's red.

Oh.

Keep, keep cool, Ronnie.

Ronnie, keep cool.

The murder weapon.

Yeah.

Pardon me.

Uh-huh.

Find the owner of this gun and you've got the killer.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's mine.

Yeah, my, my gun.

My gun?

Oh.

And it's got my fingerprints on it.

I gotta, shh.

Shh!

I don't care if she has got a girlfriend.

I'm going home and hit the hay.

I just don't go for any blind dates.

I'd rather be caught dead than...

I'd rather be caught... Well okay, call her up.

Call her up wi... (Ronnie whistling) >> Hey, you.

>> Who me?

>> You don't expect to get away with this, do you?

>> Well I tell you, I didn't do it.

I didn't do it.

>> Of course you didn't do it.

This fire hydrant just sneaked up on you, huh?

>> Oh, that.

Oh, yeah.

>> Let me see your driver's license.

>> Yeah, but you got me all wrong, officer.

This isn't my car.

>> Oh, it isn't, huh?

>> No, I don't drive.

I drink a lot.

I get nosebleeds and- >> Then what are you doing here?

>> Well, I was just cleaning.

I- >> Trying to roll that drunk, huh?

>> Oh, no.

I wouldn't think of it.

How far could I roll it?

Besides, some of my best friends are drunks.

I, I was just... Well, I've gotta go now.

It's been fun.

(chuckles) Not too fast.

You'll look suspicious.

So long.

It's been fun.

Stop saying that.

Well, goodbye now.

I, I've gotta run now.

I... >> Say, fella.

Hey.

(thuds) Hey, stop or I'll shoot.

(gunshots) (gunshots) >> Well, that takes care of him.

He's a real help to us, that boy.

>> What about the girl?

>> Carlotta's no problem.

We have the map.

>> Ronnie: When I told Carlotta they'd rubbed out Collins, it was quite a blow.

But the kid bounced back like a rubber ball, a nice, soft rubber ball.

Too bad I wasn't in the mood to play catch.

I was in for keeps now.

Ronnie Jackson wanted for murder.

Well, if we were going to save the doll's uncle and Mrs. Jackson's boy, Ronnie, we had to get something on that gang.

That meant our next stop had to be Washington.

But we needed dough to get there, and little Carlotta came through.

We got the last two seats on a plane headed east, and by midnight, we were playing tag with the Rockies.

Carlotta was very sweet.

She looked after me like a mother.

I guess she wanted to make sure I didn't get away.

And for a disguise, I was wearing a 10 o'clock shadow.

I had to play it cagey.

The only thing that bothered me was the altitude.

I knew it would get me.

I get airsick when I step on a thick carpet.

We hit Washington about noon the next day, and we grabbed a cab for the Pilgrim Hotel.

Well, this was the end of the ride, the payoff, Ronnie Jackson versus Mint Julep Montague, my brain pitted against his.

Yeah, he had the brain, and I had the pit.

(people chattering) >> Suppose they haven't got a room near my uncle's suite?

>> You just toss that smile at him, honey, and he'll give us the joint.

>> Thanks, Ronnie.

Look.

(people chattering) >> It's nice to see you again, Baron.

>> Thank you.

Muy buena gente.

>> I guess old shortening bread joins 'em later.

I'll see about that room.

Say, buddy, we'd like to talk to you about- >> One moment, please.

>> Can you tell me the number of Baron Montay's suite?

>> Sorry, he's out of town.

>> Oh, I'm Mr. Dawson of the State Department.

>> Oh, yes.

He's expecting you.

Suite 14-C. >> Thank you.

>> Yes?

>> Oh, we'd like a room, please.

Something on the 14th floor.

>> Sorry, we haven't a thing.

>> Say, what about those rooms for Hennessy and McCarty?

>> And Kelly?

>> And Schultz?

>> Oh, yes.

Will you please register?

>> I thought you said you didn't have a room.

>> Well, you see, if you were with the convention, I could- >> Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, we're with the convention.

(chuckles) >> Well, you certainly don't look like a detective.

>> Well, as a- Oh, well, I'm not exactly a detective, I'm more of a stool pigeon.

(men laughing) But they're at the other hotel, see, and I thought... Well, look at... Well.

Well, we must be off, old boy.

Cheerio, pip pip, top ho, and all that sort of rot.

Come, Deborah.

Come.

>> Yes, we mustn't be late for tea.

>> Oh, I hate soggy crumpets, you know?

>> So do I.

>> Well, stiff upper.

>> Goodbye, gentlemen.

>> Read all about it.

Get your latest.

Read all about it.

Police capture killer.

>> They got me.

>> New York gang slayer jailed.

>> It's a New York murderer he's yelling about.

>> Oh yeah, sure, and I'm just a San Francisco murderer.

(chuckles) I don't know how much more of this I can take.

You've had me in hot water so long I feel like a tea bag.

>> Well, why don't you quit?

I can take it from here.

>> Oh, sure.

Now that you've got me over a barrel, now that I'm wanted for murder.

For murder.

You want me to quit, huh?

Well, let me... Hey.

Hey, did you hear that bell ringing?

>> What bell?

>> They just rang for ice water in 14-C. And who do you think is going to bring it up?

Me.

Come, my chambermaid.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, Mr. Dawson!

Boy, bring it back!

Mr. Dawson, I want to talk to you.

(men chattering) >> Is that all right, Major Montague?

Hey boy, give me a hand with these bags.

>> No, but this ice water.

There's a blonde in 14-A who's on fire.

I'll check- >> Cut the comedy, and get these bags.

>> This is an emergency.

She sizzling hot.

>> Come on.

>> Okay, slave driver, all right.

Don't push me around.

My dues are paid too, you know.

>> All right, Tony.

>> Let's go.

>> Oh boy, you.

>> Yeah?

>> That portfolio- >> The office is in there, Simon.

>> Yes, put the bags in that room and the portfolio in the office.

>> Uh-huh.

(Ronnie whistling) >> Kismet: Hey Baron, how was it, easy?

>> Baron: I handled Mr. Dawson beautifully.

>> Bellhop: Nice having you with us again, Baron Montay.

Will you be in Washington long?

>> Baron: Not long.

A few days, perhaps.

>> Montague: Let me tell you about Dawson.

>> Baron: Not now.

When we're alone.

>> Bellhop: Would you like me to open the window for you?

>> Montague: No, no.

It's quite all right.

Thank you.

>> Bellhop: Yes, Baron.

Oh boy?

>> No, no, no, no, no, no.

>> Huh?

>> You put it there.

>> Bellhop: Oh, boy?

>> Coming, coming.

Yes, sir?

Yes, sir?

Sir.

>> Will that be all, sir?

>> That's all, thank you.

And the other boy... Just a minute, young man.

(Montague chuckles) Give this to your friend.

>> Oh, thank you, sir.

Hey.

Hey!

Okay, sucker.

(men laughing) >> You'd have been proud of me, I tell you.

>> Not Kismet.

He's never proud of anybody.

>> Kismet: No.

>> Montague: Well come on.

(men chattering) (door buzzes) >> Man: Tony.

>> Well?

>> The Baron's a stubborn old man.

He still hasn't talked.

He...

He pretends he doesn't know the code.

>> Give me that.

(thuds) (Ronnie gasps) >> Well, if it ain't chummy.

>> Shh.

Look, Willie.

We're friends, pals, remember?

>> Sure.

I like you.

Let's go tell the fellas you're here.

>> No.

No, Willie.

No, they'd ruin everything.

Shh.

We're friends.

Let's be alone.

Here, have some walnuts.

>> Are them yours?

>> Yeah.

Slip this into your pocket.

>> Gee, thanks.

>> Have some more.

>> You know, I like walnuts better than almost anything.

>> Shh-shh.

>> Except coconuts.

>> Coconuts, yes.

>> I hate them, because they don't fit in here.

>> And they will soon.

Yeah.

Shh.

Look, just forget that you ever saw me.

I'll bring you some lychee nuts.

You can crack them with your eyelids.

They're more fun.

Shh.

Shh.

You're a pal.

Come on.

(Ronnie whimpers) Oh.

Goodbye.

Why do I do that?

Goodbye, Willie.

(nut cracks) >> Hey, you know who I just seen?

>> Shh.

Please.

>> That must be the part of the 10 code.

(nut cracks) >> Shh, quiet.

>> What are you doing?

>> Cracking nuts.

And guess who give 'em to me?

>> Oh, sit down.

>> He was right outside- >> Stop interrupting.

>> But I just wanted- >> Shut up.

>> Well, that ain't no nice way to talk to a person.

>> Shh.

>> All right.

Just for that, I'll keep quiet.

>> Any luck?

Oh!

>> Shh!

>> I thought you looked a little thin.

Anything in the portfolio?

>> Just this.

They're too smart to put anything on paper.

>> Aha.

I'd go out in there and shoot it out with them, but it's so messy.

>> I've looked all through the filing cabinet.

>> Uh-huh.

We've got to get something out of it, baby, or we're dead ducks.

>> Recording: We've got to get something out of it, baby, or we're dead ducks.

>> Yeah, I said that.

Hey!

>> What is it?

>> That's a recording machine that repeats what you say.

You know, for a guy too fat to hold a secretary in his lap.

>> Do you know how to work it?

>> Well sure, you just speak into this mic and make a record.

>> That's it.

>> That's what?

>> You work the machine.

I'll get them to talk.

>> This is one of the best ideas I ever had.

Marvelous what you can do when you think.

Okay, lead 'em in.

(lamp shatters) (tense music) >> What was that?

>> I don't know.

It came from in there.

(tense orchestral music) >> Shh-shh!

(tense orchestral music) (Carlotta gasps) Oh!

>> Well, Carlotta.

(chuckles) A chambermaid now, huh?

>> You see?

She's dangerous.

We've got to get rid of her.

>> Oh, let her go, Kismet.

We don't want any trouble here.

>> But that's no trouble.

I put her in a trunk and send her to my brother in California.

(Carlotta gasps) >> I said let her go.

All right, boys.

We'll handle this.

Sit down, Carlotta.

Sit down.

>> Sit down.

>> Whatever happened to your friend, eh, what was his name?

Mr. Jackson?

>> That fool.

That imbecile.

He never knew when to keep his mouth shut.

But you were too smart for him.

Now I'm alone and too weak to fight any longer.

>> Well, there's really nothing to fight about, honey.

Here, I'll show you what I mean.

Carlotta, I once made you a mighty generous offer concerning this.

>> The, uh...

The map?

>> Yes, the map.

Now I'm repeating that offer.

Eh, there seems to be something missing here, the code.

You get me the code to the uranium deposits in San Dimas, and I'll let you both go.

>> You mean my uncle and me?

>> Yes.

>> I see.

Otherwise?

>> Well, you know what we did to Mr. Collins.

>> Kismet: What do you mean we?

I did!

Always belittling me.

When I do a job, I do it.

>> Montague: I don't think we ought to waste time arguing between ourselves, Kismet.

>> Kismet: All right.

>> Well, I, I'll have to think it over for a minute.

It's a very big decision.

>> Montague: I don't like to be kept waiting, girl.

>> Kismet: No, we don't.

>> Montague: Did you hear me, Carlotta?

>> Well... Did you really kill Mr. Collins?

>> Well, who do you think did it, that baby photographer, that phony detective, huh?

How do you like that?

Such a neat job, an artistic job, and she thinks an amateur did it.

>> Montague: Yes, yes.

Stop taking bows.

>> Kismet: I'm not taking any bows.

>> Montague: I'm still waiting, Carlotta.

Did you hear me?

>> Kismet, I can't believe that you killed Mr. Collins.

>> But I did!

I killed him, I killed him, I killed him!

How often do I have to say it?

>> That does it.

That does it.

Stick 'em up.

Stick 'em up.

(Ronnie growls) (Ronnie chuckles) Easy, Cuddles.

One move, and you're a dead midget.

Didn't recognize me, huh?

Give me that map.

Come here, baby.

You're liable to be in the crossfire.

Now get your friends in here.

Hurry up, or I'll fill you so full of holes, you'll look like a fat clarinet.

Come on, get 'em in here.

Get back there.

Make it snappy.

Nice work, baby.

>> All right, boys.

You can come in now.

Come on.

>> Hurry up.

Come on.

Easy does it, fellas.

I got a bullet in here for each of you, and one left over in case I can still hear breathing.

You know those dicks downstairs?

Tell them I'm giving a little party in 14-C.

Hurry.

>> All right.

Will you be all right?

>> All right?

This is my type of work.

(Ronnie growls) Line up against the wall.

Hurry up, I got you covered.

Back up, all of you.

(tense music) I said back up.

(tense music) Okay then I'll back up.

Now come on fellas, be sensible.

The least you can do is put your hands up.

(gunshot) Oh!

Aha!

Aha!

Why didn't I think of that before?

(growls) Huh?

You see this record?

It's a little swing number, and you guys are gonna do the swinging.

>> Willie.

>> What about Willie?

>> Give it to me, chummy.

>> Daddy Walnuts, I don't wanna hurt you.

(glass shatters) Why, you coward!

Using your feet, huh?

(Kismet grunts) Sorry.

>> Get after him!

Get that record!

Get after him!

>> Oh!

>> Get that record!

>> Look, you come one step closer, and I'll, I'll break this record into 1,000 pieces.

Wait a minute.

Whose side am I on?

Please, fellas.

I can't go any higher.

The ceiling.

I'll blow my top.

>> Get him now, Willie.

Get the record.

>> Ah, no lychee nuts.

Ooh!

>> Give it to me, chummy.

>> Watch out, Willie.

(Willie grumbles) Aha!

Ray Milland's been here.

>> Give it to me.

>> I hate to do this, Willie.

(hits) (bottle shatters) >> Montague: Get that record!

(men shouting) >> What's going on in here?

>> Ronnie: Huh?

>> I'm Lieutenant Hennessy.

>> Oh, Lieutenant.

(kisses) Boy am I glad to see you.

Arrest that man.

He's a crook and a murderer.

They're all murderers.

Stand by.

>> Are you all right?

>> Yeah, thanks.

You got here just in time.

>> What is this?

>> Why, the young fellow's a little mixed up, officer.

I want you all to meet Ronnie Jackson, who's wanted by the state of California for the murder of one James Collins.

>> Just a minute.

You listen to that record, and you'll see who killed James Collins.

>> Yeah, get the record, and we'll play it.

Ooh, ooh!

Lock the door.

Where?

Oh, oh.

(chuckles) Here, come watch!

Listen to this.

Come here.

>> Stay here, Jim.

>> Yes, sir.

>> Kismet.

>> Ronnie: And that's not all I'll show you.

I'll fix these characters.

>> Montague: The man is plum crazy.

>> Wait till you hear this.

I'll send all these guys to the cooler.

>> That's right, Ronnie.

>> You may be having a detectives convention, but I've been doing a little sleuthing myself in the modern way with a recording machine.

>> Need any help?

>> Give me that record.

Back away, gremlin.

>> All right.

>> Gentlemen, the record you're about to hear not only clears me of a murder charge but also exposes a tremendous international conspiracy, a conspiracy, gentlemen, which seeks to destroy civilization.

Listen.

♪ He says, murder, he says ♪ Every time we kiss ♪ He says, murder, he says ♪ At a time like this ♪ He says, murder, he says ♪ Because that's the language of love ♪ >> No, this isn't the record.

I've been framed.

They switched the records on me.

>> Come on, bud.

>> Hey!

No, wait a minute.

>> Stiff upper- >> Eh, just a minute.

Before you take him away, in that pocket, he has something that belongs to me.

>> Give me that map.

But it's not his.

It's the Baron Montay's.

Ask her.

Ask Carlotta.

Carlotta?

>> Chummy.

>> Carlotta?

Carlotta?

Car... >> Let's go, killer.

>> Well, that's about it.

You know the rest.

Quick trial, Carlotta never showing up.

(woman tsks) Nice deal.

Women.

>> Hey, that reminds me.

>> Yeah, we're late.

>> You're late?

In about five minutes, I'll be the late Ronnie Jackson.

>> You bet it, come on.

>> We got tickets for this thing.

>> Oh, fine.

Remember, I'm doing this without a rehearsal.

>> There.

Is that too tight?

Can you breathe?

>> What's the difference?

What is this thing, doc?

>> That is the stethoscope.

>> Stethoscope?

Still beating.

Well, hello, warden.

Any news from the governor?

>> Open up.

(tense orchestral music) Come here, son.

You and I are going to take a little walk.

>> Steady, Jackson.

You can take it.

(Ronnie breathing heavily) >> Get some water.

Get some water.

(Ronnie coughs) >> Now I lay me down to sleep.

I, I... Oh, they got you too?

>> Yes.

>> You look alive.

>> Yes.

>> Well, where are we?

>> Look.

>> Carlotta.

Carlotta... You double crosser.

Why didn't you come to my trial?

Where have you been?

>> Ronnie, Ronnie, you're free.

>> I...

I'm free?

But... Yeah, but how?

Who did it?

>> You did.

With your own little keyhole camera.

Look.

Sam got this from Mrs. Fong and he claims the rest was just routine.

>> My keyhole shot of the phony Baron.

So you're the McCoy.

>> Young man, I want to thank you for saving my life.

>> Oh, it was nothing.

And I did it.

I knew I had it in me.

Hey, maybe I was supposed to be a detective, huh?

Yeah, that's it.

Ronnie Jackson, the private eye.

>> No, Ronnie.

No.

I think you'd better stick to taking baby pictures.

>> Oh, I forgot to tell the executioner it's all off.

Harry.

It's all off.

>> Off?

>> Yes... (quirky orchestral music) Well, he'll take any kind of a part.

(soft orchestral music) (growls) (soft orchestral music) (upbeat orchestral music) You're watching Subterranean Cinema only on PBS Fort Wayne.

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Kris, I think the movie's over.

Oh yeah, I think you're right.

Tune in next week, we'll be watching Rage at Dawn starring Randolph Scott.

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Fort Wayne.

Hey, Kenny.

How about that?

Bing Crosby?

I love Bing.

Oh, he's so good.